Get Well

Someone in my life has recently come across a serious medical issue and is struggling to keep perspective. While I know that God is completely capable of handling the situation, I also know that He cannot work in our lives until our attitudes, our faith, our actions, and our words line up in agreement with what God wants to do for us. It worries me when people I know are hoping for God to intervene, but are not really believing that He will because doubt is the first step to being defeated. It prevents God from moving in our lives and on our behalf.

This particular person, and their situation, has been on my heart quite regularly since I first heard the news. And God has put it on my heart to start studying and really understanding the way He works in our lives, in our bodies, for healing.

It starts with belief. Nothing short of fully believing God is capable and wants to heal us - WILL heal us - will prompt Him to move. Then we have to be willing to turn it over to Him, letting go of our own ideas of HOW He will heal us. Not all healing comes in the most 'miraculous' of ways. In the Bible, healing is done in many different manners, from a simple touch to washing in the river seven times, and on and on. There is not one cookie cutter way that God goes about His business, and we should not expect our illness to just vanish before we believe it is God doing the healing. In fact, often, and in more situations than just our physical well-being, God will not do what we are able to do on our own. We have to do what we can, and let Him do what we can't. So if we can eat better, take certain medicines, get adequate sleep, drink enough water, etc, then we need to do all of that. If there are treatments available, we should pursue them. We must do our part, fully expecting God to do His in His perfect timing. But often when we are waiting on Him, He is really waiting on us.

If we are truly believing God is working on our behalf, our thoughts, our actions, our attitudes, and our WORDS must align with that belief. If we are to walk together with God, we must agree on where we are going. (Can two walk together, except they be agreed? - Amos 3:3) We MUST KNOW what God says about us, about His willingness and ability to heal us, and we must STAY in agreement with that, in every way.

So, I started looking up verses that deal, either directly or indirectly, with healing. There are quite a few that I've come across in only a matter of two or three days of searching. Many of them also deal with the faith attitude we are to maintain, as faith is the key for healing to take place. For now, I want to share just one with you. This particular passage of scripture was the first one that came to my mind when I heard of my friend's illness. It had been shared with me about two months ago when a man at our church shared his story, and I want to share it with you:

This man had been living a dedicated life for Jesus for nearly thirty-five years when he was diagnosed with cancer. His cancer was rather serious, and doctors did not give him a positive prognosis. He was up in years at the time, and they worried that certain procedures would take too much of a toll on him. They promised to do what they could, but they encouraged him to get his affairs in order in case their efforts didn't help him. He admitted that his reaction was full-fledged fear, followed by anger and depression.

This man, who had loved God's word, and had read it daily for years, could not bring himself to open his Bible. He struggled even to pray. One day, on a visit to his doctor's for a check up, one of his nurses was just getting off duty, and she stopped in his room to see how he was doing. Nurses were not allowed to share their faith with patients, but since she was off duty, she approached him as a visiting friend. Still, not wanting to push the limits, she simply gave him two or three scriptures on slips of paper to keep with him. That way, he didn't have to open his Bible, he could just get them out and look at them when he wanted. He says he hooked the papers to his key chain and kept them with him at all times. Although he was still angry, frightened, and depressed, he began reading these few verses out loud to himself regularly. Over time, he began to feel a change in his attitude. He began to notice that his fears were subsiding and were being replaced with a glimmer of hope, which eventually grew into belief.

Now, several years later, he is cancer-free. Ultimately, it was not the doctor's medicine that healed him. He had gone as far as he could with medical treatments, with some, but not complete, success. He did what he could, and God did the rest. He now goes for check-ups on a regular basis, but they have not been able to find anything more than a mild case of arthritis in his knee. He just celebrated his 88th birthday. And he will be the first to say that, had he not chosen to stand on God's word, and to confess God's word out loud, even when he did not feel like it, he would probably not be here today. This is the verse he stood on most heavily:

• I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done. The LORD has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death. (Psalm 118:17-18)

His creation

I wanted to share an observation that Sebastian made today in the van on the way home from Target. 'Mom, God's creation is good.' End of observation. How simple. How purely heartfelt it was. I couldn't help but wonder - how long was he thinking about this before he decided to say something?

Our God is a God of abundance. He is a God that goes above and beyond. We see it over and over in scripture. When He makes lunch for thousands of people out of a few loaves and a few fish, He doesn't make just enough. He makes so much that there are baskets left over. And we see the same principle in His creation. How many climates - how many species of birds, fish, dogs, cats, flowers, trees, grass. The variation in topography. The spectrum of color. The number of stars. I believe with all my heart that variety and abundance bring Him joy.

Yes, Buddy, His creation is good. His creation is amazing.

Wait

I seem to be finding myself right in the middle of another life lesson to be learned. Waiting on God. I used to think this simply meant waiting. You know, letting time pass, being patient, WAITING. Yes, God does have His own sense of timing, and usually we have to wait a lot longer for things than we would like. We have to be diligent to be patient, to stay in the present, to not get ahead of Him, to not try to force things to happen in our own time.

But I'm quickly learning that this idea of waiting is just a fraction of what it really means to wait on Him. Truly waiting on God is not quite so passive as my previous ideas of it would suggest. It's really an action - to wait on Him. It is activating faith, believing He is working, and expecting Him to show up in a big way at any moment. It is faith in full force.

As He has been working me through the true concept of living in faith and by faith (which I've shared with you a little in previous posts), all that He has shown me and taught me, all that His word says, leads me to believe this: The kind of faith it takes to wait, believe, and expect God in my life is exactly the kind of faith that gets Him excited. It pleases Him. It honors and glorifies Him. It is this kind of faith - full of expectation and confidence - that moves Him into action, working in my life on my behalf, working all for good.

There are plenty of scriptures in the Bible that say that doubt cancels out our faith, and leaves us with nothing. One verse in particular comes to mind:

• Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind. For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord. (James 1:6-7)

In the same manner, the Bible clearly states that faith yields results in our lives:

• And whatever you ask for in prayer, having faith and [really] believing, you will receive. (Matthew 21:22)

There are many things I have turned over to God to work out for me. Some things, I know are long-term requests, and I must continually believe that He is constantly working in those areas of my life. Other things, maybe I'll see the answers much sooner than I know, or maybe He'll require me to patiently wait. But either way, I will do my best to wait on Him, believing all the while, even when I cannot see, that He is in control, and that He will prove Himself as God again and again. What a weight off my shoulders!

• Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)

Deeper in Faith

Faith is the leaning of your entire human personality on Him in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness. (Colossians 1:4)

God continues to challenge me in my faith - how real is my commitment to Him? Do I really mean it when I tell Him I will go where He sends me? I will do what He asks of me? Do I truly believe that He is good, that He knows what is best for me, and that He has the power to provide for me and my family? Do I trust Him? Where is my faith - really?

Here I am at yet another defining moment in my walk with God. I look back now to January to His request for me to give up my scrapbook spending. That was a big step of faith for me then. The Bible says God works in our lives line upon line, precept upon precept. He builds in our lives from smaller to bigger, as we continue to grow and progress. I can see that where I am now. He has placed something so much larger (at least in the natural) than scrapbook spending in front of me. And I must choose. Am I willing to go deeper? To get in over my head? Will I relinquish 'control' and allow Him to work, just sitting back and letting Him be God like only He can?

Human nature is to DO - to take care of things, figure things out, reason and analyze until all the pieces fit. Human nature wants to know how something will work out even before it begins...Human nature likes to be in control.

But God doesn't work that way. Faith requires that we don't have the answers. If we already knew the end, if we could already see the results, we wouldn't need faith. We wouldn't need to trust in God, depend on Him, rely on Him, lean on Him, cling to Him. God has designed this aspect of our relationship with Him to intentionally cause us to CHOOSE (again, seeing His respect for free will) to believe Him. He has also given faith a role of significant importance in our relationship with Him. Hebrews 11:6 tells us that faith is what pleases God and brings us close to Him.

• But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out].

So if faith - belief - is what pleases God, then unbelief is displeasing to Him. And I can only do one or the other. Either I believe Him or I don't. There is no in between. My actions either please Him or sadden Him. I want to please Him. So I must choose to believe Him, and align my words, thoughts and actions up with that belief.

Several months ago I mentioned in one of my posts that I could sense that God was wanting to pull me into a deeper relationship with Him. While I could sense it, I didn't fully understand what that would mean. As I've begun to walk it out, I am beginning to see. And here in front of me stands a door of opportunity. If I go through it, I will certainly be in over my head...in so deep I can no longer touch bottom. I will be totally dependent on God. I must decide. I can choose to stay where I am comfortable, or I can choose to step through that door in faith, believing that He will be my life raft in the deep waters.

Just like Hebrews says, those who will come close to God must believe in Him. The real benefits of a relationship with God - the closeness and the friendship and all that comes with it - come only when we are willing to go deeper.

• ...He said to Simon (Peter), Put out into the deep [water], and lower your nets for a haul. (Luke 5:4)

In faith

I started my time with God today praying for my children - their development, their well-being, the direction of their lives. I want to see God's purpose for them be fulfilled in them. As their mother, at the relative beginning of this journey to raise them, shape them, teach them and direct them, I see before me a long path full of unknowns and uncertainties, full of possibilities - both good and bad. And I stand here feeling inadequate. How could I ever protect them from all of the bad choices they could possibly make, from all of the hurtful things people will inevitably say and do? So I lift them up to God, because while I am wholly inadequate, He is not. So I laid it all out before Him and I choose to trust Him and stand on what I know to be true.

I finished my prayer time and opened my Bible. It happened to open to Luke 1, where the story of Zacharias caught my attention. God promised him a son, though he and his wife were older, and his wife, Elizabeth, was barren. Shortly after, their son, John, was born, and was set apart to be a great man of God.

• Luke 1:37 - For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment.

A few verses after that, this same Elizabeth says this about Mary, the mother of Jesus:

• Blessed (happy, to be envied) is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her from the Lord.

And at this time in my life, at the beginning of a long journey - a journey in which I, in reality, have relatively little control, I need this. This shows me a truth about the character of God - one that I can specifically point to in the scripture and stand on in times of doubt. Whatever God says is possible of fulfillment. His ultimate reward is bestowed upon those who truly believe that what He says is true and that what He says will come to pass. There is nothing but truth and power in His word. But this level of faith is required for what He says to fully come to be in my life. Only with this level of faith am I laying my own methods aside and opening my life up fully for Him to work. If I do this, I am assured that what He has spoken will BE.

• Hebrews 11:1 - NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].

Faith is Assurance, Confirmation. It is my title deed to God's promises. It gives me an ownership of them, just as a title to my van declares that my van belongs to me. It is the certainty that His promises are reality in my life, even though I cannot yet see them. Faith sees the truth before it is revealed to the senses. What do I have without faith? No assurance. No confirmation. No ownership. No certainty. I have nothing. Faith is vital.

In the past 3 years alone, I've seen evidence (revealed to the senses) of the truth of several things I've believed for in faith. Things that God has promised, either through His word or spoken directly to my heart, have come about in my life. I've seen it work. I must trust that it will work again in the lives of my children, and in all other promises that God sends my way.

Worth it

A simple song sung in church this morning has been ringing in my heart over and over.

'Around every corner, and up every mountain,
I'm not looking for crowns or the water from fountains.
I'm desperately seeking. Frantic believing,
That the site of your face is all that I'm needing.

And I say to You...
It's gonna be worth it.
It's gonna be worth it.
You're gonna be worth it all.'

This rings so true in me. Everything else pales in comparison to those moments when I can just sit in His presence and see Him the way only the Spirit sees Him. Those moments more than remind me that anything and everything I may go through here, all of my struggles, will be so worth it the moment I stand in His presence for the rest of forever.

Urgent Expectation

Let me say before I write this, that I'm not sharing this to preach to you and scare you into anything. My motives for writing this is simply to share with you what's been on my heart and in my mind for the last few weeks. Remember, this is just my 'journal' of sorts, and I just want to get it down. That being said...

God has laid such a sense of urgency on my heart in the past few weeks. And I think I asked for it, unknowingly. You know the phrase, 'Be careful what you ask for, or you just might get it.' Yup, this holds true with God. I've been asking God to teach me certain things, and to show me certain things. And He has. In no uncertain terms, I now know the desperation and urgency that God feels for each of us. If I ever doubted God's love for any one of us, I no longer doubt it. I couldn't if I wanted to. And because of this, I have such a sense of urgency - one that, quite honestly, I was happy without. But now that I've felt it, I cannot shake it - it can't be ignored.

So I've started thinking - How have I come to be so passive? I remember being younger in church, hearing someone teach about the end of times. As a child, I felt certain that Jesus could return at any moment. And I wanted Him to find me being good, listening to my mom, being nice to others. I had an awareness of His pending return. I was looking forward to it. Somehow, in my adult years, that awareness has fallen by the way-side. For no better way to say it, I've become passive. I've lost that sense of urgency and expectation. How does that happen?

I guess it's the false sense of security that comes with the passing of time. The past 29 years of my life have not brought the return of Christ. And I've been taught that the best indicator of future events is the past. Well, this is one instance that CANNOT be held under that 'rule.' There is no precedent for the return of the King, only the promise.

In Biblical times, much of their teaching was on preparation for the return of Christ. They were certain that He was coming 'soon,' as they said over and over again throughout the New Testament. Today we find ourselves 2000 years later, still plugging along with life as usual. But what's 2000 years to a God Who surpasses time? The Bible says that 1000 years is like a day to Him. So, I guess we could say that about 2 days have passed since Jesus ascended to heaven. In that light, I guess it wasn't so long ago after all. So what's my 29 years? Hardly a breath.

The Bible is full of prophesies - prophesies made with surprising accuracy hundreds of years before they were fulfilled. It has proven itself time and time again to be reliable in predicting future events. The one prophesy left unfulfilled today is the return of Jesus, which was promised by Jesus Himself. It is just a matter of time. And as I've sought Him, God has rekindled my sense of expectancy - urgency. God is teaching me to expect Him to show up in my life every day. This may be in small ways, like a kind gesture from a stranger, or a sense of peace when I would otherwise feel stormy. But I also have the expectation that He can show up BIGGER if He chooses to. He can reveal Himself in so many ways. And ultimately, He will reveal Himself to us all, in His return to call us home. While I go on with life as usual, I must not lay aside my expectation for His coming, and I must not lose my sense of urgency.

What an awesome day that will be.

Father Abraham

This same story keeps coming into my thoughts over and over again today. So as I was eating lunch, I sat down and looked it up in the book of Genesis. Abraham. Even before I began my own study of the Bible, I knew about Abraham from a song we sang in church when I was little..."Father Abraham had many sons; Many sons had Father Abraham. I am one of them, and so are you. So let's all praise the Lord." (Now you'll be singing that song all day like I am!) Here's what I know from that song. Abraham was a man of God, and God blessed him greatly with a long line of descendants. But why?

Genesis 12:1-2 - Now [in Haran] the Lord said to Abram, go for yourself away from your country, from your relatives and your father's house, to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you [with abundant increase of favors] and make your name famous and distinguished, and you will be a blessing [dispensing good to others].

Leave everything you know and go to the land that I will show you. Abraham didn't even know where he was going when he went. He loved God that much that he was obedient, completely relying on God for guidance and direction for each next step in his life. '[Urged on] by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; and he went, although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go' (Hebrews 11:8). He didn't even worry about where he was going, the Bible says. Abraham had completely abandoned himself to God. And as a result, God rewarded him beyond measure.

While I know that Abraham was a special man in God's eyes, I also believe that Abraham is an illustration of a Biblical truth: ' ... that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him' (Hebrews 11:6). I believe that God wants to bless each one of us in ways we cannot imagine, just as He blessed Abraham. He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. So, again, I see the relevance of my choices. My own relationship with God, and the level of blessing and favor in my life, depends on my willingness to choose Him over all else.

Being urged by faith, I will follow Him to wherever He leads, not having all (or any) of the answers before I go, and I will not trouble my mind about it. I know that God loves me. I know that He wants only good for me. I know that He is God, and He is above all things. So, I know that I can trust Him and follow where He leads. To Him I abandon my life.

Nothing I ever dreamed

I was reading back through the last few posts I've made, and I got stopped on the one about giving up my own dreams, ideas, interests, etc in exchange for what God wants for my life. I realize it sounds strange. Maybe it's one of those things that's nice to talk about, but it's not really realistic to live that way. Even as I'm reading my own words, I stopped to think whether I'm really living that way or not. Here's what I came up with.

I think back through my childhood, my school years, into college, and even my career. I cannot think of a time, prior to 2004, that I was not completely self-motivated and driven. For as long as I can remember, I've gone above and beyond to succeed at school. I applied myself and did quite well. I've had lots of opportunities because of it. I've been honored and nominated for this that and something else all through grade school and college. And because of it, I was given a wide open door into one of the most sought-after internships in my field, which lead to a permanent position upon graduation. The sky was the limit. The field I was in was the kind that offers as much advancement, opportunity, and proving ground as you're willing to take on. By the time I started my first year at work, I was in full force to proving myself (to myself and to others) that all of my hard work and study was about to pay off. That I could earn my way up the ladder, and I would have success the way the world sees it.

And I would have continued on that path, were in not for the still small voice in the pit of my soul crying out for something else. I was successful, I was getting great work reviews, great raises, great recognition, and great relationships with clients. I could see no reason to want change. But I did. I was completely dissatisfied. More than that, I was UNHAPPY. From the time I was very young, I had dreamed big dreams for myself. I was in the process of getting everything I had ever imagined. And I was UNHAPPY. I felt trapped and unfulfilled. I could make justifications for what I was doing, but I could never convince myself that I was serving my life's purpose.

I ignored the cry for change, and continued on. I told myself everyone in my profession feels like this, and it's just part of the job. But so many times I sat at my desk, having this same conversation in my head. And I couldn't get past the simple fact that I only have one life to live, and I was wasting it doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing, no matter how badly I wanted it to be 'my thing.' It was my dream for me, and it could have been good if I would have stayed around, but it would never have been great.

In 2004, as I grew closer in my walk with God, I began to sense Him calling me to make a significant change. He was asking me to let go of everything I had worked for, and everything I deemed to be success, to quit my job and stay home. That was a HUGE request. Never in all of my dreaming and planning and working had I envisioned doing 'nothing.' Just staying home. How could that be? For a while I really struggled with it. I was certain I would feel unfulfilled.

Well, two and a half years later, here I am. 'Just staying home.' I don't have a title. I don't have deadlines. I don't have promotions, or job performance reviews, or raises. I don't even have a paycheck! And I've never felt so fulfilled in all of my life. I know with certainty that I am right now where I am supposed to be. I also know that, while I do not know all that God has in store for me, He has a plan and a purpose for my life. And I know that I can only be truly and completely satisfied when I am living in the middle of that plan and purpose.

I am truly and completely satisfied...doing nothing I ever dreamed and imagined for myself.

Open Door

Strive to enter by the narrow door [force yourselves through it], for many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able. (Luke 13:24)

Well, when I read this verse, my mind immediately thought something like this: Q: Well that's a strange way to put it. Why would someone not be able to fit through a door? A: Because they're too big. Q: Well, what makes you too big for a spiritual door? A: Sin. Selfishness. Pride.

I thought about this one little verse for at least 20 minutes, I'd say. How could I be so spiritually fat that I couldn't fit through a door that I was meant to be able to fit through. How could it be so hard for so many to enter - even those who will try. That seems to me to imply that these people have given some effort to fitting through this door. They've probably tried to live a decent life, be kind to others, give to charities, help old ladies cross the street, etc. So what are they missing? Are their motives right? Are their hearts pure? Jesus promises us that we can come to the Father through Him. This is how we fit through that door.

What holds so many back is spiritual baggage - SIN and SELF. Apparently we have to pack lite for heaven! If we have unconfessed sin, we carry it with us. And if we have not laid down our lives for Christ, then we carry our SELF with us as well. We have to lay that stuff down, leave it behind, or we'll never fit through the door God wants us to go through, no matter how hard we try.

'Force yourselves through it.' Those were His words. I should expect it to be difficult, maybe a struggle. It also sounds like I will have to do it with intention. I think this goes back to the idea of abandonment. I will have to choose to lay down my own stuff in exchange for only Jesus. Matthew 5:8 tells us that blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God! What does it mean, 'pure in heart?' To have a heart only for Jesus - uncontaminated by the desire for anything else. Only for Him. Then I will see God. Then I will fit through the door.

Next question - Does this necessarily only apply to that moment when I die and am faced with heaven or hell? I don't see why it would have to. I'm sure that's the main intention of the verse, but I also think that God's word is universally true, and applies to all aspects of life, both now and then. Truth does not become truth only after we've died, right? It's either true now and forever, or it's not true. So, what if there's an opportunity that comes up, and God needs someone to work on His behalf - to do something important for His kingdom? Don't we often refer to opportunities as 'Open doors'? Will I be available if He asks something of me? Will I be able to fit through that door of opportunity? Or will I have too much spiritual baggage - to much unconfessed sin, to much selfishness and self-serving motivations?

My joy in life is the One Who offers the promise of that door - whether it's the door to opportunity and growth, or the doorway into heaven. Either way, it is the door that leads to God. When I imagine standing at that door, being so close, but being unable to go through... how absolutely heartbreaking. And only because of choices I've made in my life...choices to push aside sin instead of confess it, or serve myself instead of God. When this is my perspective, when I see myself standing at the doorway, so close to stepping into where God wants me to be, I begin to see those choices for what they really are. And I see that any amount of difficulty, struggling and suffering I may do temporarily in this life is completely worth it to be able to pass through that door.

Abandon

A recurring theme keeps coming up in my study time - Abandonment. Until recently, I had never really stopped to think of how vital this concept is to having a relationship with God. Now, it seems to pop up everywhere I turn. About three weeks ago, in our class at church, our teacher opened the class discussion with something he said had been on his heart to share - abandonment. The class discussion that day was about giving from the heart, and at first I didn't see the relationship. But I began to quickly see that almost any topic within the realm of Christianity can be tied back to this one single concept. It is the key to living life for God.

Mark 8:34 (NIV) - Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

In the Amplified Bible, the explanation given for 'deny himself' is this: forget, ignore, disown, lose sight of himself and his own interests.

And what does He mean when He says we are to take up our cross? I believe my cross is to lay down my life, abandoning it for God. Not physically laying down my life, but putting aside my own ideas and desires, leaving them behind in exchange for what God wants for me. Why? Why would I do this? Aren't we taught from very early childhood to follow our dreams - be whatever we want to be? Why then would I want to abandon my dreams and ideas for the direction of my life in exchange for the unknown?

For myself, I have several answers to that question.

1 - Because I know that God is good, and that He is infinite wisdom. I know that He has dreamed bigger dreams for me than I could ever dream for myself. And I know that if I limit myself to only what I can come up with, I will surely miss out on something great. I do not want to be guilty of settling for good when I could have great.

2 - If I am to claim that God is God of my life, but I do not give Him my life, then He is not my God. If I am unwilling to let go of my life and trust it to Him, then I do not trust Him.

3 - It is the only thing I have to offer Him. What else do I have to bring to Him that He cannot take from me? He can take my money, my family, my health, my belongings, my job (if I had one LOL). There is nothing I can offer Him but me. My heart, my life to live for Him. Because He gives me free will, this is the one thing He will not take unless it is offered, yet it is what He wants from me the most. And He is worthy of everything I have to offer.

• Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name. Bring an offering and come before Him; worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness and in holy array. (1 Chronicles 16:29, italics added)

A choice that leads to somewhere

Every moment of my life presents to me the opportunity to make a choice. Every moment. I am surprised, really, when I think about how many decisions I make in a day. When the alarm clock goes off, I choose whether to heed its call and get out of bed, or to turn it off and sleep on. When I'm thirsty, I choose whether to drink water or soda. When my kids act out of line, I choose whether to get angry or stay calm - and even whether to let it slide or enforce discipline. I choose what radio station to listen to, what TV shows to watch. The list goes on and on.

There are certain choices that each of us has to make in our lives, though, that are not so clear cut. We choose whether to approach life with a good attitude or a bad one. We choose whether to operate in self-pity or to forgive. We choose to act on our own behalf or for the good of others. We choose to think on positive things or negative. We choose whether to do what we do with intentions of pleasing and honoring God or with more selfish motivations. We choose whether we will be happy or unhappy.

Yes, these things - our attitudes, our thoughts, and our very happiness - are choices. Entirely up to us. I must choose to forgive. I must choose to put others first. I must choose my attitude. I must choose to be happy. These are not feelings. They are choices.

This afternoon God gave me a very simple revelation. My life circumstances RIGHT NOW are the result of life choices - both significant and trivial - that I've made leading up to this moment. My choice to buy Wendy's for dinner 2 days ago leaves me with $15 less in my bank account right now. My choice to overlook something that Lucas does that aggravates me - my choice to forgive instead of to hold it against him - brings me to this moment right now that I can say I love my husband with my whole heart and hold nothing against him. My choice to live for Jesus brings me to this place in my life full of contentment and blessings, and I cannot even imagine where I would be had I chosen differently.

My decisions regarding my actions and heart attitude determine the depth of my relationship with God, and the degree to which I will experience the fullness of all that He has for me. Deuteronomy 28 states this very clearly.

• verse 1-2: If you will listen diligently to the voice of the Lord your God, being watchful to do all His commandments which I command you this day, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you if you heed the voice of the Lord your God.
• verse 15: But if you will not obey the voice of the Lord your God, being watchful to do all His commandments and His statutes which I command you this day, then all these curses shall com upon you and overtake you.

We must face the consequences of the decisions we make - whether they are good or bad. But we can also learn from our decisions and choose to make a change if needed, or choose to continue with steady determination if we are doing what we know we should. Not every decision is easy. In fact, I've found in my own life that most of the ones that really matter are completely the opposite. And often, I find that when I've decided to make a change, that change is not quick to come. It involves a lot of determination, a lot of mistakes, and a lot of humility to admit my mistakes along the way. But change does come. And it is worth working at.

After giving this some thought, I've decided (see, yet another decision *LOL*) that my choices I make today MUST be in line with where I want my life to be in the future. If I want financial stability, or marital success, or sound relationships with my children, then the actions I choose must point in that direction. Likewise, if I want peace, happiness, joy, and blessings, I need to choose accordingly, recognizing that every moment truly is a choice that leads to somewhere.

The Answer

Mind if I share two things in one day? This has been on my heart, and I wanted to share it.

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with a friend. She had brought up a man we both know - she knows him much better than I do, and she is not such a big fan of him (to put it nicely). I listened, but knew not to say anything negative because God has been correcting me on my words A LOT lately. And in this situation, I knew that I was NOT to join in the ranting. And more than that - if I could, I needed to diffuse the conversation. So when she finished, I mentioned that it sounded like he was just genuinely unhappy. She questioned me - 'What would he have to be unhappy about? He has a nice family, a good-paying steady job, a nice house, a new truck. If I had all of that, I wouldn't be unhappy, and I sure wouldn't treat people like he does.' Maybe I missed an opportunity to share with her, but I just didn't feel it was the right time for it, so I just simply said, 'I'm not sure. But happy people don't behave that way.' And left it at that.

Well, that man, and many others I know, have been swimming through my mind since then. A friend once asked me about God. She said she thought she would be happier if she knew Him, and maybe it would fix other parts of her life as well. Well, she's right, she probably would be happier. God does that to people.

When I think about my friend, this man, and others I know who are struggling with life, trying to do it on their own, my heart breaks for them. It's so difficult for me to watch the people I love as they struggle for answers, and try the next new thing the world has to offer, all in pursuit of happiness, stability, and peace. But what they need is not of this world, and all of their struggles get them nowhere. I wish I could make them see it, but it is not my place, it's God's. Sometimes I wish I could just flip a switch that would turn on their belief, and their willingness to commit their lives to Jesus. I wish they could only glimpse what they're missing out on - all that God would love to give them if they would only ask. And I think how their lives would change with just one simple prayer. It's that easy - just to say I believe you; just to say I'm sorry; to say I need you and I give you my life. I know their lives would be dramatically changed for the good. I want that for them so badly. I don't know how else to explain it, except to say that my heart breaks for them.

So I pray for them. And I pray for me - that God would give me the grace to live out my life in front of them, to love them like Jesus, and to be steady. And I wait on God, trusting that in His perfect time, He will make Himself known to them. I hope and I pray that in that moment, they choose Him, because I know He is the answer they're all looking for.

Always There

Matthew 28:20 - ...and behold I am with you all days (perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion), to the very close and consummation of the age. Amen (so let it be).

Think of that. Perpetually - uniformly - constantly - unvaryingly - in every moment - on every occasion. I'm sure I could think of several more words that mean the same thing - He is ALWAYS with me.

That's such a comfort to me. I'm sure it would be even more so if I could get my head and my heart around the absolute truth of it. It doesn't always FEEL like He is with me in every moment. I can't always sense His presence. But He is still there. Most often I find, in times like these, I've lost site of Him and have started focusing more on myself - I've lost that perspective that keeps Him as the most important.

This is a process I am walking through right now, but I find daily that if I set my heart to purposely do ALL things unto God, for the sole purpose of pleasing and honoring Him, I can keep proper perspective, and I don't lose site of His presence.

Believe Layout

Another layout for my 'visual journal' I guess you could call it. About a week ago I wrote about the difference in casual and committed belief. For me, this page is a reminder of how I am supposed to believe - completely, out of need and reliance - and why - so that Jesus would not withhold Himself from me, but that He would trust Himself to me in intimate friendship.

Flawed moments

Sometimes there's a hesitation to share with you all on the Internet, for fear that you'll see all my flaws. But flaws are a real part of life. They're what makes me human - makes me not God.

Today was a flawed day. Today started out great. I kept plugging along through the afternoon, started getting tired, started feeling like I had done one too many things, and still kept going. By the time we sat down to watch our family movie night (Night at the Museum), I was SO ready to just sit & relax. Meagan, however, had other plans, and she absolutely drove me NUTS! I had to make her go away from me because I was feeling so frustrated with her, I just couldn't think clearly. How can something so cute be so maddening? How can I - 27 years older than her - be run over by a 2-year-old? How can I let a teeny tiny girl direct my mood and my actions? But, believe me, it's possible. Tonight is clear evidence of that.

So, I did my best (which wasn't that great) to get them all bathed, dressed, and tucked into bed. Then I tried to take a few minutes for myself just to regroup and take a breath. I realized what I had done, and how far from ideal my actions and attitude had been. At first, I was angry with myself for it. And because I was angry, I had this vague feeling that God was angry too.

But the Bible says God knows my weaknesses and shortcomings, and He loves me just the same. It also says He is slow to anger. It also says if I will confess my sins to Him, He is faithful to forgive.

Here again is another example of my perspective clouding my ability to really 'get' God. So many times I just way over-complicate things, and I don't give Him nearly enough credit. I think I forget how UNLIKE me He really is (thankfully). I'm the one who is, at times, quick to anger. Not Him. I'm the one who sometimes struggles to forgive and forget. Not Him. And when I sit and just meditate on how different we really are, I am again in awe of how holy and incredibly awesome He is.

So, for His part, it is already done. He has forgiven me. He has forgotten it. And I am again clean in His sight. For my part, it does me no good to stay angry at myself for my behavior. I need to just model myself after Him and forgive me and move on. I can, however (and should), continue to learn from each of my 'flawed moments,' shall we call them, so that I can continue to grow and mature in Him. And, truth be told, while I am not where I need to be, I know that I am no longer where I used to be. Even on days like today I can look back over the past 2 years alone, and see dramatic evidence of the changes He has already made in me. While I may always be flawed, until the day He returns for me, with His help, I will continue to make progress, in hopes that I may one day be like Jesus. God, transform me.

Give Him Credit

Well, I find myself sitting here, with only 29 minutes left in the day, looking back at how my time today was spent. It's been a not-so-typical day. I operated our very own Grand Central Station, with other people's kids (and plenty of phone calls) in and out all day. Because of this, I got up at 6:30, but not to spend quiet time - to shower & get dressed before people started showing up at 7:00. At one point this afternoon, it was just me and 8 kids! Then we had homework and T-ball and dinner and craziness this evening. So in no way did I get to take my usual afternoon quiet time to spend with God. The closest I came was summarizing a book I read for a paper I have to write for the class I'm taking at church. But there was very little talking, and probably not much listening involved.

Aaah, but not to fear! The last time I went through a day thinking I could make it through since I just didn't have the time, I was SPENT by 6:00! I realized the cause of my impatience and desperation by the end of the day. Lesson learned - don't let that happen again.

So as I was in the shower this morning, knowing this was probably IT for me for the day, I offered up 5 minutes of prayer, and making breakfast, another little bit of conversation and praise. And at various times through the day today, I just made it a point to acknowledge Him and lean on Him for my strength for the day. What a difference! 6:00 rolled around today, and we all were eagerly heading off for T-ball. Today I had the grace to hang in there! Frustration-free! God is awesome, and I just wanted to give Him credit for being the difference in my day.

His Choice

I had a moment of realization the other day in the car. A moment where the reality of what I had always taken for granted actually registered in my brain, and I understood more clearly the depth of something I had always just kind of skimmed over.

What Jesus did for us - His life He modeled as a man, His sacrifice, His death and resurrection - was all done in FREE WILL.

Something that was on the radio in the van caused me to pause for a moment and really grasp that very simple - and should-be-obvious thing. He did it out of free will. It wasn't easy for Him. He struggled with the human element. He suffered in agony, even before the acts of torture and crucifixion began. And He suffered more still on the cross. He was laughed at, taunted, mocked, hated. At any time, He could have changed the course of His actions - saved Himself from the pain, proved Himself in front of those who mocked Him. And STILL, He chose to see it through. He was free to choose to follow His Father's will or His own.

For me, just that one moment of pausing and reflecting on the reality of His own free will, gave me a much deeper respect and appreciation for what He did. It is no small thing, but I think sometimes we (at least I) get so used to hearing 'Jesus died for our sins' that I don't see it for all that it really was (and is). I am thankful that I was given this moment to realize the depth of what He did.

• And He withdrew from them about a stone's throw and knelt down and prayed, saying Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but always Yours be done. And there appeared to Him an angel from heaven, strengthening Him in spirit. And being in agony of mind, He prayed all the more earnestly and intently, and His sweat became like great clots of blood dropping down upon the ground. (Luke 22:41-44)

God at the Grocery

As you know, I've been asking God to work out my perspective. Today He made a little progress with me (I get the idea that sometimes I'm hard to get through to - LOL!). Just kind of put me in check before I got to far gone, I think. But He showed me that I'm putting to much weight on my 'quiet time' (you know - church time, church worship, prayer time, etc) and not enough on the practical. Not that those times are not valuable. They're incredible. But I was getting out of balance. He just gave me a simple revelation - a reminder really I guess you could call it. I don't have to be sitting in my bedroom, quiet and prayerful, or kneeling at the altar, or singing during worship at church to find Him. I can find Him doing the laundry, or getting groceries, or wiping grubby hands and faces. He's just as real, just as present, and just as awesome there as He is when I'm still. And I guess I was just forgetting to take time to look for Him there - to acknowledge Him. I've been so looking forward to the next quiet time, that I've devalued what He has for me during the practical parts of the day - the majority of the day! And really, how would Lucas like it if I only talked to him when the kids were in bed, and the house was clean, and all the work was done, and everything was just right and perfect? No, he listens to me while I'm in the midst of chaos - he'll even follow me upstairs if we're talking and I need to move up their to keep doing what I'm doing. So why would God be any different? And this is something I've always known. It's just something I had begun to lose site of.

Simplicity

The simplicity of God is sometimes what keeps me from understanding Him. I get in the way of myself. I clutter my perspective with details and specifics, when all I need to see is God. I truly do want whatever God wants for my life, but I think sometimes I try to get ahead of the game - plan ahead, get prepared. And just like Him, today He set me straight. He only said it once, because He knew I heard it. Although I was hoping for reinforcement or explanation, I got nothing. Instead, I got a lot of quiet time to sit and reflect, to study, and follow along until my perspective was cleared, and my heart was simplified. 'Walk each day with Me, and My will for you will unfold.'

Yes, I want God's will, but I don't need to chase it. His will should not be my focus, He should be my focus. Just Him. He is sufficient. He is satisfying. He is glorious and beautiful and merciful and majestic and holy. Just Him. And when I set aside all the rest, and I just sit in His presence, He radiates. He just washes over me and fills me and refreshes me. He simplifies life. It's not that hard - focus on Him and let Him be God. Whatever His plan for me in the future, right now it is His will that I trust in Him and worship Him, and if I never do anything else, I will be fully satisfied doing exactly this.

Lord, I love the habitation of Your house (Your presence), and the place where Your glory dwells (Psalm 26:8)

The secret of the sweet, satisfying companionship of the Lord have they who fear (revere and worship) Him, and He will show them His covenant and reveal to them its deep, inner meaning. My eyes are ever toward the Lord... (Psalm 25:14-15)

Lord today, in this moment, you have satisfied me, brought me to a moment of clarity and simplicity. My perspective is right when my focus is right. My focus is and always should be You, and nothing more. You are enough to satisfy me fully. You bring my spirit to rest. You restore and refresh me. Although the words seem insufficient, You are all I need.

How am I believing?

As many of you know, I have been on a journey to more intimately and completely know and understand my Lord Jesus Christ. The Bible says that those who seek Him will find Him, and so far He has been faithful to this. Each time I sit down and spend time with Him, He shows me something else that I didn't know or realize before. Today was no different.

Again, I was continuing in the book of John. Today I got through the end of Chapter 2. Well, Chapter 2 starts out with Jesus turning water into wine, and then goes into the story of Jesus overturning merchants' tables at the temple, then declaring that He will raise up again after His temple is destroyed. So that Chapter is kind of packed with stuff. And the stories were stories I was familiar with, and could easily envision, etc, so they grabbed my attention. Well, because I was paying attention to what I already knew, I almost missed what He was trying to really show me. At the end of Chapter 2, I had kind of come to the end of the meatier stories, and so I skimmed through the last few verses & started to close my Bible. Uh-uh...back up. Read verse 23 again.

• v 23: But when He was in Jerusalem during the Passover Feast, many believed in His name [identified themselves with His party] after seeing His signs (wonders, miracles) which He was doing.
• v 24: But Jesus [for His part] did not trust Himself to them, because He knew all [men];
• v 25: ...He could read men's hearts.

Sorry, not the most exciting verses I've ever read. 'Look again.'

Many believed (identified themselves with His party). Oh, that's way different than what usually is in brackets after the word 'believe.' In the Amplified, after believe, you often see 'adhered to, trusted in, and relied on Him'...not 'identified themselves with His party.' These people believed in Him to some degree, but they mostly were just jumping on the band-wagon - following the crowd.' This belief is not difficult - it's easy to go with the flow and follow popular opinion. This belief was incomplete, imperfect. And because of it, Jesus did not trust Himself to them. He did not open up to them. They did not get to know Him the way His disciples did. The disciples belief adhered to, trusted in, and relied on Him (John 2: 11 - ...and His disciples believed in Him [adhered to, trusted in, and relied on Him]). Even in a crowd, Jesus could discern their hearts - verse 25 tells us He could read men's hearts. And while these bystanders were welcome in His presence, He did not show Himself truly to them because He knew their hearts.

When He looks at my heart, I hope He will find a heart that is adhering to Him, relying on Him, and trusting in Him completely. Because, He showed me today, this is the condition my heart must be in before He will trust Himself to me...before He opens up and let's me get to really know Him.

The Case for Faith

I found myself this afternoon engrossed in a book that I had not intended to read - at least not today. I sat down to spend a little time with God, planning to read a little more in John, and then move on to some chores and cleaning that need to be done. Instead, I ended up picking up a book that I bought about a month ago with intentions of reading it when I got the time. The book is called 'The Case for Faith' and it's written by a man named Lee Strobel. Mr. Strobel was an atheist, a former journalist for the Chicago Tribune, who went on a quest to prove / disprove the existence of God (and in another book - The Case for Christ - the deity of Jesus). Although I have not read the book all the way through, I know that he has since abandoned atheism for a belief in God, so I am expecting to find the foundation for his transformation in his book.

In 'The Case for Faith' he addresses what he considers to be the 8 biggest questions that people have that hinder a belief in or a relationship with God. The first - and what he says is the biggest obstacle to faith - is this: 'Since evil and suffering exist, how can a loving God exist?' How can God allow all these horrible things to happen to people? We are often caught up on this issue - even those of us who would claim to be solid in our faith, from time to time, question why certain things happen - especially when they happen to God-fearing people. So Mr. Stroble seeks out a man named Peter Kreeft - a Catholic, and a philosopher - who authored the book 'Making Sense out of Suffering.' He records their conversation in this book...the questions - the answers - the counters. It's quite interesting, and definitely worth taking the time to read.

While I will not recount all of his arguments for the existence of God in the presence of evil and suffering, there are a few things that stood out to me that I wanted to share with you for thought.

1) One of the coolest things about God - one of the things that is a defining characteristic of God - and one of the reasons it is easy to respect Him, if not love Him, is that He gives us free will. He made humankind with the freedom to choose - to choose to serve God or choose to deny Him. And with that freedom of choice, the possibility for evil is introduced. If we can choose our actions, then we can choose to do something less than the perfect will of God. We can choose to say a mean thing, or think an evil thought that may lead to an evil action. We may choose to do something that will result in someone else's suffering. This is not GOD's choice - He would prefer that we choose Him - that we choose all that is good and all that is right. But He will never force that on us - we must choose it for ourselves. And because He will not force us to choose Him, he must allow us to choose evil. Thus, He must allow evil to exist. Otherwise, we must give up our freedom of choice. In the face of logic & reason, there can be no other way for the 2 to simultaneously exist (the 2 being freedom of choice and a world without choice, and thus a world without evil).

2) In a world where evil is a possibility, Love is the answer to evil. It is the response. It is the prevention. Humans have the capability to eliminate evil. And God does not do for us what we are capable of doing ourselves. He may provide divine connection, or divine intervention for circumstances that we otherwise could not arrange or handle without him. But we are all capable of reaching out to those in need. We are capable of listening to those who need to talk, of accepting the unacceptable, of loving the difficult to love. We are capable to aiding those in crisis, of feeding those who are hungry. We cannot each do all of this, but we all can do something. And if each one of us touches the life of someone else with the Love of Jesus, we may just change the path of their choices - we may just prevent one act of evil. Or our love expressed to them in their time of suffering could be the catalyst for healing and change in their lives, which may in turn allow them to reach into the lives of others. This is well within our capabilities, and we each should act on it to the degree that we are capable and are given the opportunity.

3) And maybe my favorite point that Kreeft made in his conversation with Strobel, although possibly the one that is most abstract, and therefore the least relevant, for who those who have not experienced it, is the presence of God. Compared to the awesomeness of the presence of God, the degree of our suffering, no matter how significant it may seem at the time of the suffering, will pale in significance. Job lost seemingly everything by the world's standards, yet in the end, he sees God - he is in the presence of God, and that is enough to satsify him.

And here's another angle to look at the presence of God:
The fact that in all suffering Jesus is there with us, and He feels our pain even more deeply than we do, gives us strength to endure. Jesus is not isolated from the suffering of the world. In fact, He endured the ultimate suffering on the cross. And even though that was 2,000 years ago, He continues to go through it with us - to feel beyond what we feel. And for this alone He, if for no other reason (although there are many), I love Him.

Coming into focus

(Okay, this is long, but please bear with me.)

I'll be very honest with you. Not so long ago I began to struggle with a foundational concept of my Christianity - a concept that is at the heart of who God is. I began to question what I knew and believed about the Trinity. Are God and Jesus the same? Are they separate? Then how is there only one God and no other? Who do I pray to - God or Jesus? And on and on. This was huge for me. It shook me to the core. I struggled to know who to pray to, how to pray, what to pray. I struggled to worship, because I was clouded with doubt and confusion. At the time, I shared with you that I was going through a hard time, but didn't give specifics, because I didn't feel it was right at the time.

Although I knew I couldn't change what I was going through, I knew that confusion is not from God, and I had to get through it. So I found a few scriptures to stand on, and I stuck with them until I found peace again.

• One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord (in the presence of God) all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire (meditate) in his temple. (Psalm 27:4)
• For my determined purpose is that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection... (Philippians 3:10)

Within a short time, I saw God's faithfulness in honoring my decision to cling to Him at a time when I failed to understand, and even sometimes questioned, Him. It was not long before I felt settled. Even though I still didn't have a clear head knowledge, I began to understand it in my heart (which is often the way it has to be with God, because so much of Him is beyond our limited understanding anyhow). And what the enemy intended for evil, God has used for good, just like He says He will (And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28) As I've continued to spend my time and attention determined to have a clearer, deeper, more intimate understanding of Him, He has begun to reveal Himself to me. I know am not the only person who has ever questioned this, or failed to understand this...it's difficult to comprehend, really, without proper perspective. So I wanted to share some of what I have begun to see, and hope that maybe it will help some of you who have ever had similar questions.

I knew a few things from the start, just because of what I knew of the Bible:

1. Jesus is the son of God.
2. I am able to come to God through Jesus - pray to God through Jesus - be in the presence of God through Jesus
3. I did not in any way ever question the deity of Jesus. I simply did not understand. (I think my biggest question at that time was, 'Do Jesus and God exist separately - like as 2 separate beings - in heaven?')

So if I knew these things already, it seems like I should not have had this issue. So what caused me to question? I was in a transition in my walk with God - that doesn't make Satan very happy, and he comes at you hard in times like that.)

As I read, and studied, and listened, and prayed, I believe God gave me a pretty simple illustration. When I first saw it, I was so excited, but I wanted to make sure that it would hold up to several tests against verses in the Bible, etc. But this was it - a simple revelation:

I was reading John 14, and I came across this verse that I've known since childhood: Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6) And I had this quick thought run through my head - "That's kind of funny, you have to walk through Jesus to get to God - like a door." EXACTLY resonated through my entire spirit. And I saw it like this - The essence of God is in a room contained by the 4 walls, and Jesus is the doorway - the opening in the wall that gives entrance to that room. The room has no access without a door, and a door serves no purpose without a room. The 2 are separate but inseparable. If I stand in a doorway to a room, I am exposed to (in contact with) the air inside that very room. In the same way, if I remain in Jesus, I also remain in God. I also saw that what God wants to give to the world, He gives through His son Jesus Christ (in other words, He passes it through the doorway). This is true of salvation. This is true of love, righteousness, and peace.

But would it hold up - this concept of the doorway? Well, one verse came to mind right away: 'For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.' (Matthew 7:8)

Then I was reading today, again in the book of John (which I've found to be full of explanation of Jesus). John 1:1-3 - IN THE beginning [before all time] was the Word (Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God Himself. He was present originally with God. All things were made and came into existence through Him; and without Him was not even one thing made that has come into being.

So what did this passage tell me?

1. Jesus has always been - since before time
2. Jesus has always been with God (which draws a distinction between Jesus & God the Father)
3. Jesus Himself is God (which includes Him as part of the Trinity)
4. Jesus is the living Word of God
5. The language 'through, with' is used to describe Jesus' roll in creation. God worked through Jesus - with Jesus - to create all that ever has and ever will come into being. Well, in the book of Genesis, we are told that God spoke all things into creation. Jesus is the word of God. God worked through Jesus to create the heavens and the earth. And again, what God wanted to give to the world, He gave through Jesus (like I said, passing it through the doorway).

So my head-understanding is beginning to catch up now with my spirit understanding. And the picture is beginning to come into focus in a way that I can share it with you. I understand now that I don't need to struggle so much with understanding how to separate Jesus and God in my head - they don't need to be separated. While they are 2 distinct entities, they are inseparable. If I knock on the door that is Jesus, it will open up to the air of God. If I stand in the doorway that is Jesus, I am also standing in the presence of God. What I give to Jesus, passes through Him and to the Father. What I ask of God passes through Jesus and on to me. The 2 complete each other, and make each other perfect. If one is glorified, the other is glorified. And it's not nearly as complicated as I was trying to make it.

Adoni

I just did this layout today after church. I have been thinking for the last few days of starting an 8x8 album just to document and express my faith through scrapbooking. This is my first layout.

Personal Perspective

Lord the one thing I ask of You is to stay daily in Your presence. I want to know You more each day. I want to understand You in my spirit in a way that is beyond what I can understand with my mind. God I would ask You to stay near me, but I know I do not have to ask this of You, because You are always with me. It is my own perspective, and not Your proximity, that needs transformed. So I ask You to change my perspective. Make me aware of Your presence through every moment of every day. Give me understanding of Your constant love, Your constant presence. Let me understand the depth of Your love for me. Change my perspective so that I can see the true power of Your presence in me. Don't let me limit You by my own perceptions and views of what You are capable of, but change my perspective - remove all boundaries that I've set on You with regards to my life - boundaries I've created through my own limited understanding, so that You can use me to Your fullest ability, in whatever way you choose. God, I release my life to You in faith, believing that You are big enough to do whatever You will in me and through me. If there are hindrances that prevent me from being available to You, God, show me what they are, reveal them to me, and show me what is necessary to break them down and remove them so that You can flow through me for Your design. God teach me to see things the way You see them. Reveal Your heart to me. Let me love others the way You love them. Let me see a situation for what it's really worth, and not make more of something that I should, and not pass over something that is important to You. Teach me to live as You lived here on earth Jesus. Teach me to walk - to stay - in the presence of the Spirit, to follow hard after the will of the Father, to be unshaken, to not be led astray, to not be distracted or pulled off course. God my perspective is my greatest weakness. I need you. I need your transformation in my life. God change me - Lord through your Spirit, give me proper perspective. I need you Lord. I love you.

(So this is my heart, just laid out there for anyone to read. I normally would not share this with the whole world, as my prayer time is very personal to me. But, here I am, sharing anyway. I hope that God will use it in some way for someone who comes across this. This was the bulk of my prayer time this afternoon - the moment it left my mouth, I knew it was a prayer that had just changed the course of my life. I have only now to wait and see the outcome. But in my spirit, I knew immediately that this was what God has been trying to bring me to realize, and it was what needed to be said.)

A Vine to Cling to

I hope everyone had a beautiful Easter weekend (regardless of the weather). With Lucas off of work, we had a much needed week together as a family. We took the week to go back to Ohio to visit some of our family, and it was an awesome visit.

But with the week full of visiting and traveling and Easter activities (and a little shopping), I had very little time to spend one-on-one with God. I was able to spend a few minutes at a time in prayer throughout each day, but it was not enough to feel satisfied. I was missing the quiet time that I usually spend just talking and listening and waiting. And by Friday morning it was wearing on me. I just felt so drained, and I could feel myself starting to get a little edgy. I was distracted at times because I just wanted to find a way to slip away for an hour. It has just become such a part of my day - a part I look forward to so much, and depend on for my stability - that I felt incomplete without it. So while I loved visiting, I was relieved to get home Saturday evening and have time to unwind, relax, and finally have that quiet time I had been longing for.

Each day that I walk with God I see more clearly that He truly is vital to me. I cannot live without Him. In the book of John Jesus says "I am the vine and you are the branches" (John 15:5). He goes on to say "If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up." Think of that for a minute. Think of what happens to a branch when it has been removed from its tree. It lays on the ground, alone and detached, and it begins to wither and die. Every day spent apart from Jesus, we wither just a bit more. Too many days without Him, and we dry up completely. This is why we feel lost, frustrated, exhausted, edgy, desperate. These feelings do not come from Him, and they are a sure sign that we need to get up and cling to the vine we've fallen away from.

This weekend was an effective reminder for me of just how true this really is. It's really not enough to visit God in church on Sunday (or maybe just on major holidays like the one we just celebrated). To truly sustain the abundance of life that He offers, we must abide in Him, the way a branch abides on the vine. A branch just stays and draws its life and energy from its vine. This is God's design for our lives. This is why Jesus died - to give us life (John 10:10 - 'I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows').

From the bottom of my heart, this is my wish for you. I wish for you to take FULL advantage of all that Jesus is offering. He has already done the work. He has already made this fulness of life available to you. All you have to do is grab ahold of the Vine and stay. All He wants is for you to willingly offer your heart, and in return you will recieve so much more than you ever could have imagined.

If I can help you in any way, please don't hesitate to contact me (r_walker78 (at) hotmail.com - replace (at) with @ and remove spaces)

Signs of Love

Can I just tell you the coolest thing! I just love it when I can see little signs in my every day life that God loves me. Lately, I've just been asking Him to show me evidence of His love - just little things that show He loves me personally. It may not seem like any big thing to anyone other than me, but it's big to me. Well, He has been doing just that - showing evidence in every-day ways - that He takes notice of me, that He knows what is on my heart, and that He cares enough to do something just to make me happy. And He's so easy about it, it just amazes me!

Yesterday, (if you read my other blog, you already know this) I exploded a cookie in my oven, and was unable to make dinner. Well, I had already decided prior to this event that I didn't want to spend any more money this month on eating out. But, when that happened, I was left with little choice but to go get something for dinner since there wasn't time to let the oven cool, clean it & then cook...it would have been way too late. Anyhow...I went to KFC to grab a bucket of chicken. I had made up my mind that I would get the cheapest bucket I could - whatever was sufficient to feed us. When I got there and looked at the menu, there was a huge meal for $12.99 - 9 pieces with 3 large sides & 6 biscuits. That was more than enough, and it was cheaper than the typical trip to McDonalds or Wendys. But I really really didn't want 9 pieces of thighs and drumsticks. I was hungry for - I mean almost craving - a huge juicy piece of white meat chicken. And I almost ordered the more expensive meal just to satisfy my craving. But, I stuck to it, and I ordered the cheap bucket of chicken. Well, when I got to the window, the man says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to have to ask, but would it be okay if I gave you some breasts and a few wings?" I just smiled in my heart. Even though it's only a small thing, I knew that it was God just giving me a little extra something, just to make me happy, just because He loves me. How cool is He?! How could I ever not love Him? He's awesome!

Imperfection

So here's the thing...

I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I say wrong things. I lose my temper. I sometimes gossip. I'm not always patient. I'm not perfect.

Until recently, I didn't fully comprehend the scrutiny I am under because I choose to follow Jesus. By those who are close to me, who know me well, I am probably most harshly judged. And the thing is, it's these people who I live my life in front of day after day - who have the opportunity to see me at my highest moments of imperfection. Does one mistake, one bad choice, make me a hypocrite? No. It makes me human. It makes me a person who is imperfect. It makes me a person who desperately needs my savior.

These are areas of my life - my temper, my patience, my MOUTH - that God is working on. Each day He teaches me, and each day I grow a little more. But the thing is, just like in every other aspect of life, learning the ways of God sometimes means learning from my mistakes.

Please don't believe that because I mess up and do things I shouldn't, that I love God any less, or that I am any less sincere in my dedication to following Him. Please understand that to be a Christian does not mean to be perfect. I would never claim to be perfect, and I would never expect perfection from anyone else. In fact, the Bible asks us to do just the opposite. It tells us that love makes allowances for others - not just for the things they do that irritate you, but also for the mistakes they make. Love covers things that we otherwise would not be able to so easily overlook. And the Bible makes it clear that not a single one of us is perfect. So please don't put unreasonable expectations on me just because I call myself a Christian.

I cannot pretend to be all I am 'expected' to be by those who are watching my every move. To do so would be a charade. Of all the things I CAN be, I will NOT be PHONY. I can only live my life, as I am now, and hope that over time, you will see the changes in me that have taken place by the grace of God and by His presence in my life. In the meantime, I can only hope that you will begin to see Christianity for what it really is - a recognition that I need a savior, and a dedication to live for Him - because I love Him.

Know that I am on a journey - that I have not arrived, but I am also not where I used to be. And know that when I do slip and make a mistake, I am thankful that I can ask for forgiveness, be forgiven, and put it behind me. God may help me learn from that mistake, but He will never hold it against me. God knows that I am not perfect, and He loves me just the same.

He is calling

Ah, the story of the blind beggar Bartimaeus (found in Mark 10:46-52). I remember hearing it when I was little. Today, I was getting caught up on Joyce Meyer shows that I've tivo'd, and she revisited this story. Bartimaeus was a blind beggar, who caught wind of the fact that Jesus was walking past. He began to call out - shout, the Bible says - 'Jesus, Son of David, have pity and mercy on me now!' The crowd around him severely disapproved of his behavior, and told him to be quiet & be still. But Bartimaeus continued shouting out to Jesus for mercy. Jesus hears the man calling out to Him, stops, and sends for the man. Because of his faith, Bartimaeus receives healing that day, and spends the rest of the day accompanying Jesus on the road.

Told just like this, we can learn quite a bit from this story that can be applied to our every-day lives. But today as I was reading this, a small piece of this scripture almost jumped off of the page at me. It was like God just added some special effects to my Bible or something to make those few sentences stand out to me. In verses 49-50, look what happens in this story.

• And Jesus stopped and said, 'Call him.' And they called the blind man, telling him, Take courage! Get up! He is calling you!' And throwing off his outer garment, he leaped up and came to Jesus. (Mark 11:49-50)

Take courage! Get up! He is calling you! And the man jumped up and ran to Jesus.

You know, the life the Bible describes for the Christian is not a passive, wimpy life. It is a bold, aggressive life. The Bible says that when we become Christians, the Spirit of God comes and lives in us. Well, what does that mean? Who is Jesus? We see Him in the Bible as being gentle, patient, sweet, forgiving, caring, humble, and on and on. But we also see Him as a mighty warrior, the King of All Kings! That is not the picture of a passive and wimpy God. He lives boldly. He aggressively seeks to do His father's will.

When we decide to commit our lives to Jesus - to really live for Him - we must be courageous. We must get up and move. We must be willing to live by faith, to step out of the boat. We must jump up and run to Jesus, just as this blind beggar did. This is the spirit of faith that healed Bartimaeus. Not a wimpy, passive spirit that kept him waiting quietly on the road side, hoping to be noticed by the passing savior. If God is calling you - whether it is into a new relationship with Him, or into a new level of relationship with Him - don't be wimpy. Have courage! Get up and go to Him! He is calling you.

The Difference

Well, after a bit of a break, I'm back with something new to share with you. I have started doing a foundations class at church. Yesterday was the 3rd class, and I have been getting quite a bit out of it. Even though it's the basics that I've been taught for years, it's been great to get into my Bible & look up each verse reference myself. Some of it has been just a refresher, or reinforcement, but God has also used this time to show me things I hadn't seen before, which I am very grateful for. I believe no matter how many times I read my Bible, God will always have something new to show me.

Some of you may already know this poem by Alan Grant, but I had never seen it before. As we read it in class, though, I realized how much truth was behind this very basic rhyme. The instructor, who is in his 80's, and who has been serving God for somewhere around 45 years now, nearly began crying as he read this to us. This is a man for whom I have the utmost respect as a truly Godly man. He has walked through many things, and it is clear from being with him only a few minutes, that he has a very strong relationship & friendship with God. The fact that this poem moved him so much made me give it a heavier consideration as we were reading it. And again, when I got up this morning, I read it and thought it over for a while.

The Difference

I got up early one morning

and rushed right into the day;

I had so much to accomplish

That I didn't have time to pray.

Problems just tumbled about me,

and heavier came each task,

"Why doesn't God help me?" I wondered.

He answered, "You didn't ask."

I wanted to see joy and beauty,

But the day toiled on, gray and bleak;

I wondered why God didn't show me.

He said, "But you did not seek."

I tried to come into God's presence;

I used all my keys at the lock.

God gently and lovingly chided,

"My child, you didn't knock."

I woke up early this morning,

And paused before entering the day;

I had so much to accomplish

that I had to take time to pray.

The Bible tells us over and over again to pray constantly, pray about everything, be unceasing in prayer, come boldly to the throne, ask and you shall receive. (a few verses to look up if you'd like: Luke 18:1, Ephesians 6:18, 1 Thes. 5:17 1 John 5: 14-15. If you don't have a Bible, you can do a scripture look-up at Bible.com)

• This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. (1 John 5:14,15 NIV)

Just look at the awesome promises made in this verse. 1) We can be confident in approaching God (we can be bold and assured). 2) If we ask of Him, he hears us. 3) Since we know he hears us (because He just got done telling us this is so in the previous sentence), then we can also know that He will answer our prayer. Those are some pretty incredible promises - things we can KNOW to be true. We do not have to doubt them whatsoever.

But, if we do not ask, He will not answer. If we do not show Him the love and respect of taking the time to talk to Him, to include Him in our lives, the we cannot expect Him to act on our behalf just because we've gotten ourselves into trouble. Look at the wording in this verse above - IF we ask. IF. James 4:2 makes this clear: "...You do not have, because you do not ask God."

Look at what God has to say in Proverbs about ignoring Him in prayer.

• But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you - when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. "Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me. (Proverbs 1:24-28 NIV)

I think that says it pretty plainly. To paraphrase: 'If you can't take time to seek me, and to listen to me, to heed my advice, and to accept my correction, and if you ignore Me when I reach out to you, be assured that I will not help you, I will not hear you, when you reach out to Me for help in times of need.' God is not a celestial Santa Clause (to borrow a term from Joyce Meyer). He doesn't want us to come to Him always with our hand out, only when we need something from Him. He wants us to talk to Him, to share our lives with Him - pray about everything - pray unceasingly.

I'm not an expert on prayer, but I don't have to be to know that it is important to God. If we want to have a strong friendship with Him, we MUST include prayer as part of our every-day lives. We must pray throughout the day - not only at meals and before bed. And we should talk to God about anything and everything. Just like the poem says, prayer can be the difference in each day.

I am determined.

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection... (Philippians 3:10)

'For my determined purpose is that I may know Him.' This is what Paul said. What a significant verse in God's word. When I read this, I feel like God is telling me that if I want to know Him, I have to do it on purpose. I cannot go through life as usual, giving God a nod on Sunday morning and before I eat or go to bed. I must be determined. I must seek Him - in prayer and in His word. And as I seek Him, as I spend time with Him, as I learn of His character through the words in the Bible, and as I hear what He has to say to me (both through reading and praying), what happens? Philippians 3:10 tells us that as we do these things, we progressively enter into a deeper, more intimate relationship with God. We learn to recognize Him, to perceive Him, and to understand Him more. We start to get a clearer picture of who God really is and what He wants for our lives. And we begin to experience and know the power that pours out of His crucifiction and resurrection.

That verse goes on to tell us that when we begin to really know Jesus, and stay in a relationship with Him, we begin to be transformed (continually, it says in the Amplified Bible, which tells me it's not all at once, but it is a continual process) into Jesus' likeness. Other verses of the New Testament tell us that when we truly love Jesus, we get so that we can't help but obey Him. To do anything other than obey Him and follow Him goes against who we are (who we've been transformed into) at that point.

This is not a verse that I just stumbled across by accident. It's what I've been living for the past few weeks. God started dealing with me in some areas of my knowledge of Him that were pretty gray shall we say. And it was at the point where I was severely struggling at times even just to pray because I felt so shaken and uncertain about what He was trying to show me. But at the same time, I knew I had to walk through it - I just didn't know how. Well, usually when I find myself thinking, 'I just don't know what to do' that's when I know the ONLY thing to do - turn to God in prayer & through His word. I was so confused and at a total loss to understand & wrap my mind around any part of what He was teaching me. So, I again went back to David's prayer in Psalm 27 - 'The one thing I ask of You is that I would stay in your presence, that I would see Your face, and meditate on You.' And I came back to this verse in Philippians that I mentioned first.

Well, walking into church today I was still uncertain. I drew guidance from Paul's letter to the Philippians, and set my mind and my heart to be determined to purposely worship God and give Him my time, even though I still felt shaken. And the coolest thing happened after service. I was given the opportunity to speak one-on-one with one of the elders in our church (whom I had not met before today). In the few minutes we talked together, God really used him to bring a lot of understanding and clarity to me. He settled my spirit and brought me back to focus. And as I began reading some of the verses this man had given to me, I began to SEE - in my spirit see - Jesus more clearly. And suddenly (thank God for suddenly's) the cloudiness and confusion was lifted, and I feel like I'm back on solid ground. I know that this outcome may have been different (or at least taken much longer) had I not followed God's word and been determined.

It is my purpose to live for Jesus, and I am determined to know Him the way Paul described - intimately, strongly, clearly. I am determined.

God is Faithful

Okay, so remember a few weeks ago, I shared that God was asking something of me that was proving to be pretty difficult for me to do. Well, I just wanted to share that in the first few weeks of being obedient to Him, God has already returned to me all that I gave up, and more. To me, this is an example of how faithful He is. What He says to us in the Bible is true - and it's true not just for a certain few people, but for anyone who will listen to what He says and obey Him.

Someone had asked me if I would be willing to share specifics related to this situation. While I don't want to go into every detail, I will share part of it with you.

We have always had a certain amount built into our budget for me to spend on scrapbooking supplies. Well, at the beginning of this year, God asked me to give that money to Him instead of spending it on me. Ouch! My only means of doing something for myself - indulging in something I enjoy - Ouch! But, with a lot of struggle, I decided to be obedient. And let me tell you that putting that first portion of it in the offering plate was PAINFUL. But, God is faithful, and He has honored His word. He not only has already returned that money to me, but has DOUBLED it in this short amount of time. AND He provided a way, through new design team positions, for me to have access to some awesome digital supplies FREE of charge! So, not only am I financially better off than I was before, but He has given me an unlimited supply of the one thing I would have been spending that money on anyhow! He just continually amazes me. I just wanted to give Him the glory for this thing He's done in my life - while it might seem little to an outsider looking in on me, it is HUGE to me.

2 verses I want to share with you (both from the King James Version):

But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. (Hebrews 11:6)

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)

Be Bold

Lately I've been kind of random in my studying. There are a few things I've been asking God to make clearer to me, and He's been doing that like only He can. So I've been kind of all over the place in my Bible, including rereading Revelations, which is always an interesting undertaking. I will say that I am getting much more out of it this time around than I ever have before, but I guess that's because I've been lead to read it, so there's obviously something in it that I need to see right now.

So, since I've been pretty sporadic, and have only been getting things in little bits & pieces, I have been unsure what I should post about here, if anything. Yesterday I didn't feel a need to post, but I did get brought back to a verse that I love and had not thought about for a while. Well, today when I was thinking about posting, God put this verse on my heart once more, and this time I feel like it needs to be shared. So, here it is...

• For we have not a high priest (meaning Jesus) which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16, King James Version)

I love this verse because it reminds me of a few very important things in my walk with God. First, Jesus has faced every form of trial and temptation, and knows & fully understands what I go through when I face struggles, temptations, trials, etc. There's just something very comforting in that. It's so much more meaningful to draw hope & strength from someone who has been through it and has conquered and overcome it.

The second thing I love about this verse is this: COME BOLDLY TO THE THRONE OF GRACE. Right here, in these few lines of scripture, the Bible tells us clearly that God knows what we are going through. He knows our struggles (so then He also knows our weaknesses & our sins). But these should not be reason to be afraid or ashamed to approach Him. We are told to come boldly to Him - not timid and ashamed, but BOLDLY, and He will help us and give us grace when we need it most. AWESOME.

I remember the first time I read this and realized what it was telling me. It had a total impact on the way I prayed and talked to God. I stopped feeling like I needed to get myself back on track before I asked for anything. Now, when I am struggling, I simply say, 'God I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I need you. Please forgive me. Please help me.' God is greatest in our weakness. He wants to help us, if we will only be so bold as to ask Him for help.