Nothing I ever dreamed

I was reading back through the last few posts I've made, and I got stopped on the one about giving up my own dreams, ideas, interests, etc in exchange for what God wants for my life. I realize it sounds strange. Maybe it's one of those things that's nice to talk about, but it's not really realistic to live that way. Even as I'm reading my own words, I stopped to think whether I'm really living that way or not. Here's what I came up with.

I think back through my childhood, my school years, into college, and even my career. I cannot think of a time, prior to 2004, that I was not completely self-motivated and driven. For as long as I can remember, I've gone above and beyond to succeed at school. I applied myself and did quite well. I've had lots of opportunities because of it. I've been honored and nominated for this that and something else all through grade school and college. And because of it, I was given a wide open door into one of the most sought-after internships in my field, which lead to a permanent position upon graduation. The sky was the limit. The field I was in was the kind that offers as much advancement, opportunity, and proving ground as you're willing to take on. By the time I started my first year at work, I was in full force to proving myself (to myself and to others) that all of my hard work and study was about to pay off. That I could earn my way up the ladder, and I would have success the way the world sees it.

And I would have continued on that path, were in not for the still small voice in the pit of my soul crying out for something else. I was successful, I was getting great work reviews, great raises, great recognition, and great relationships with clients. I could see no reason to want change. But I did. I was completely dissatisfied. More than that, I was UNHAPPY. From the time I was very young, I had dreamed big dreams for myself. I was in the process of getting everything I had ever imagined. And I was UNHAPPY. I felt trapped and unfulfilled. I could make justifications for what I was doing, but I could never convince myself that I was serving my life's purpose.

I ignored the cry for change, and continued on. I told myself everyone in my profession feels like this, and it's just part of the job. But so many times I sat at my desk, having this same conversation in my head. And I couldn't get past the simple fact that I only have one life to live, and I was wasting it doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing, no matter how badly I wanted it to be 'my thing.' It was my dream for me, and it could have been good if I would have stayed around, but it would never have been great.

In 2004, as I grew closer in my walk with God, I began to sense Him calling me to make a significant change. He was asking me to let go of everything I had worked for, and everything I deemed to be success, to quit my job and stay home. That was a HUGE request. Never in all of my dreaming and planning and working had I envisioned doing 'nothing.' Just staying home. How could that be? For a while I really struggled with it. I was certain I would feel unfulfilled.

Well, two and a half years later, here I am. 'Just staying home.' I don't have a title. I don't have deadlines. I don't have promotions, or job performance reviews, or raises. I don't even have a paycheck! And I've never felt so fulfilled in all of my life. I know with certainty that I am right now where I am supposed to be. I also know that, while I do not know all that God has in store for me, He has a plan and a purpose for my life. And I know that I can only be truly and completely satisfied when I am living in the middle of that plan and purpose.

I am truly and completely satisfied...doing nothing I ever dreamed and imagined for myself.