To say I've been struggling lately would be a mild understatement. It might be more accurate to say I have been repeatedly run over by a very large truck. I feel like every time I stand up, I get plowed over again. It could be described as walking through mud - progress is slow and exhausting, and any break for rest results in sinking and further 'stuckness.' Not a pretty picture.
I have been, for some time now, acutely aware of the fact that I cannot continue like this much longer; that I have reached the end of my proverbial rope, physically and mentally at times. Finally yesterday, I was crumpled to my knees with yet another blow - one more attack by the truck as I was struggling to my feet. What's to be done? I threw my hands up and hit my knees, desperate to get this figured out. Crying out to God to shed some light on what's going on. This is not the depiction of a person living as Christians are intended to live. There's no overriding peace and joy and patience and rest. There is exhaustion, frustration and confusion. God is not a God of confusion. He is the author of peace.
Why it took me so long to break I can't say. Why am I so bullheaded sometimes, insisting that I am strong enough and capable enough to take care of things, to not have to 'bother' God with my problems? Why would I, even for an instant, hesitate to go running straight to His arms and sit at His feet and seek Him for advice and wisdom and guidance? I know better. I was just acting dumb. Finally, finally, yesterday He got through to me. He got what He had been wanting for quite some time. I surrendered. I was brought to my knees, bawling and dumping everything out onto Him - everything that I had been unknowingly holding onto and internalizing. Once I got started, even I was surprised at some of the junk that came out. But out it came... thank God!
And in the midst of it all, I asked the one question that seemed quite obvious to me - 'What am I missing?' Am I not in the right place? Am I out of your will for me? Am I trying to force this to work for my own reasons? I examined every possible pretence I might have had in starting and continuing my current circumstances. And, just like so many times before, I felt reassured that I'm not out of place, just out of alignment.
The first thing I got was that my attention and focus have been misplaced a bit, and that my motives need to be shifted back His way. That was clear. That I get. But still, there was a fog over me, like I was still not seeing something so obvious. God, What am I missing? I just don't see it.
As I was getting out of the shower last night, (of all times - how random is that?) it hit me like a ton of bricks. And many things that have been said to me over the course of several weeks came flooding in like a big collage of thoughts. Collectively, it all points to John 15. Over and over again. John 15.
I AM the True Vine, and My Father is the Vine dresser. Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. Live in Me, and I will live in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me. I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing. If a person does not dwell in Me, he is thrown out like a broken-off branch, and withers... (John 15: 1, 4-6)
For weeks, He has been trying to get my attention, to make me see that I have disconnected, and I have been slowly withering. I have been 'too busy,' and have tried to get by on the bare minimum. But He showed me last night, very clearly, that it is not a matter of eliminating tasks. It is a matter of re-prioritizing them. He is teaching me to be 'busy' and still keep Him first. This is something I must learn, not only learn but become solidified in, before I can move on to whatever comes next.
Lord, I hear what You are telling me - to keep my heart, my focus, my attention on You; to give You my time. To stay close to You, and not crowd You out with all that keeps me busy. To remain and abide in You. Let the reverential fear of You go before me, that I would submit my will to Yours; that I could not even consider disobeying You; that I would not sin. Let me make no other god, let me establish nothing else in higher priority than You, Lord. Let nothing else capture any part of the glory, honor, praise and worship that is rightfully Yours - that only You deserve. You alone, God, are worthy of everything I have. Let me live my life unto You, doing and giving and serving and loving unto You. Let me keep You at the center, high above all things, where You belong. You alone are God.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Come Closer
Luke 4:39 - So He bent over her and rebuked the fever, and it left her. She got up at once and began to wait on them.
I've read this story more than once, especially since it appears in more than one of the gospels. Jesus goes into Simon's home; Simon's mother-in-law is sick; Jesus heals her; she get's up and goes on about her business. Simple enough. I've never really gotten much out of the story, besides that it's another documented case of Jesus healing someone miraculously. But today in my studying, it came to my attention (with a little help from Beth Moore, LOL...I've been going through this book, and it's full of thought-provoking insight into the life of Jesus.), that Jesus bent over her. Just like a mother bends over her children to care for them when they aren't feeling well. This verse gives us a portrait of Jesus being intimately engaged with this woman out of genuine love and concern for her. He could have healed her from a distance - from the doorway, across the room, with just a spoken word. He could have. But His heart led him to engage with her, one-on-one, in her personal space. She was lying in bed. He came to her side and leaned over her and healed her.
So I started thinking about Jesus in a broader scope, outside of this one verse. His healing, His protection, and His presense in our lives is done with love and intimacy. It's His nature. But He will not impose Himself on us; He will only come as close as we allow. We determine our level of intimacy with Jesus. We determine how close He may come, what roll He can play in our healing and in our lives.
I thought next of Simon-Peter's mother-in-law, and the condition of her heart toward Jesus. To be lying weak in bed and allow someone to lean over you in close proximity requires a certain heart position. She had to trust Jesus. She had to submit to His position over her, and she had to allow herself to be in a state of vulnerability. If any one of these were not true, she would not have allowed Him to take the position He took. In the same way, if we withhold any one of these things from Him, we are effectively limiting His presence in our lives.
As I thought through this in my heart, I was moved to tears by His tenderness, and by His heart. Think of how He feels about us - how much He wants to do for us. Think how his heart must break when we put up walls and impose restrictions on Him. I think just as a mother, how I would feel...to have the ability to help my child, yet have my child refuse my help - that would tear me up inside. I would feel helpless, hurt, rejected, and maybe even somewhat devalued as a mother. It's almost too much to think that Jesus might feel like that on my account. I thought about my own life, and wondered about the level of closeness I actually allow. Have I opened up my home to Him? Have I invited Him into every situation? Or have I asked Him to stand in the doorway while we eat, or while we pay the bills? Have I made room for Him in the van when we go on road trips? Or do I just expect Him to keep us safe from a distance? How much closeness and intimacy have I invited into my relationship with Jesus? I hope a lot, but I'm afraid that it might be less than I would like to believe.
As I looked back at the heart-condition of Simon's mother-in-law, I compared that to my own heart. Yes, I trust Him. Yes, I am willing to submit to Him. But maybe I'm a little hesitant on the vulnerability part. I think I'm sometimes afraid to open up and let go of stuff, afraid I might be disappointed. But I see now that, by holding back in this area, I'm actually limiting His ability to work in my life, thus setting myself up for disappointment. I realize that my heart needs to be softened toward Him; it needs to be always turned toward Him; I need to choose to be vulnerable - to let my heart be laid wide open to Him, holding nothing back. I don't want Him to have to stand five feet from me when I'm lying sick in bed. I want Him to lean over me with love and concern and heal me close-up. I want Him - I need Him - to come closer.
I've read this story more than once, especially since it appears in more than one of the gospels. Jesus goes into Simon's home; Simon's mother-in-law is sick; Jesus heals her; she get's up and goes on about her business. Simple enough. I've never really gotten much out of the story, besides that it's another documented case of Jesus healing someone miraculously. But today in my studying, it came to my attention (with a little help from Beth Moore, LOL...I've been going through this book, and it's full of thought-provoking insight into the life of Jesus.), that Jesus bent over her. Just like a mother bends over her children to care for them when they aren't feeling well. This verse gives us a portrait of Jesus being intimately engaged with this woman out of genuine love and concern for her. He could have healed her from a distance - from the doorway, across the room, with just a spoken word. He could have. But His heart led him to engage with her, one-on-one, in her personal space. She was lying in bed. He came to her side and leaned over her and healed her.
So I started thinking about Jesus in a broader scope, outside of this one verse. His healing, His protection, and His presense in our lives is done with love and intimacy. It's His nature. But He will not impose Himself on us; He will only come as close as we allow. We determine our level of intimacy with Jesus. We determine how close He may come, what roll He can play in our healing and in our lives.
I thought next of Simon-Peter's mother-in-law, and the condition of her heart toward Jesus. To be lying weak in bed and allow someone to lean over you in close proximity requires a certain heart position. She had to trust Jesus. She had to submit to His position over her, and she had to allow herself to be in a state of vulnerability. If any one of these were not true, she would not have allowed Him to take the position He took. In the same way, if we withhold any one of these things from Him, we are effectively limiting His presence in our lives.
As I thought through this in my heart, I was moved to tears by His tenderness, and by His heart. Think of how He feels about us - how much He wants to do for us. Think how his heart must break when we put up walls and impose restrictions on Him. I think just as a mother, how I would feel...to have the ability to help my child, yet have my child refuse my help - that would tear me up inside. I would feel helpless, hurt, rejected, and maybe even somewhat devalued as a mother. It's almost too much to think that Jesus might feel like that on my account. I thought about my own life, and wondered about the level of closeness I actually allow. Have I opened up my home to Him? Have I invited Him into every situation? Or have I asked Him to stand in the doorway while we eat, or while we pay the bills? Have I made room for Him in the van when we go on road trips? Or do I just expect Him to keep us safe from a distance? How much closeness and intimacy have I invited into my relationship with Jesus? I hope a lot, but I'm afraid that it might be less than I would like to believe.
As I looked back at the heart-condition of Simon's mother-in-law, I compared that to my own heart. Yes, I trust Him. Yes, I am willing to submit to Him. But maybe I'm a little hesitant on the vulnerability part. I think I'm sometimes afraid to open up and let go of stuff, afraid I might be disappointed. But I see now that, by holding back in this area, I'm actually limiting His ability to work in my life, thus setting myself up for disappointment. I realize that my heart needs to be softened toward Him; it needs to be always turned toward Him; I need to choose to be vulnerable - to let my heart be laid wide open to Him, holding nothing back. I don't want Him to have to stand five feet from me when I'm lying sick in bed. I want Him to lean over me with love and concern and heal me close-up. I want Him - I need Him - to come closer.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Psalm 107
O GIVE thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever!
Oh, that men would praise the Lord for His goodness and loving-kindness and His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with good.
Oh, that men would praise the Lord for His goodness and loving-kindness and His wonderful works to the children of men! For He has broken the gates of bronze and cut the bars of iron apart.
He sends forth His word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction.
Oh, that men would praise the Lord for His goodness and loving-kindness and His wonderful works to the children of men!
And let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving and rehearse His deeds with shouts of joy and singing! (Psalm 107 - various verses)
Oh, that we would truly see God for all that He is! For His unfailing love that endures forever! For the redemption He has made available to us! That we would give back to Him only a fraction of all that He deserves - which is all that we are! That we would live with thankful and grateful hearts and not waste a minute of our time complaining, grumbling, being discontented and wanting what others have. That we would not disrespect Him by being ungrateful. That we would truly live lives filled with worship. What I would give to see that become reality!
I love time in prayer when I get a real glimpse of His majesty. It's overwhelming and so completely humbling. And I can't help but be filled with love - total love - and I'm left so totally in awe of Him. I love those times.
But the sad truth is, when I get up and get back to life-as-usual, what was so obvious to me not moments before, sometimes gets lost so easily. And something so silly can turn me around in circles and leave me with a murmuring, complaining attitude. Oh, if I would just walk through each moment of each day with Him before me, never losing sight of His beauty! Never forgetting how much I have to be thankful for! Not for a moment allowing myself to complain about my children, or my messy house, or my work load, or the piles of laundry; but instead turn each into an opportunity to praise Him for my beautiful family, my comfortable home, my opportunities to serve others, and plenty of clothes to choose from each morning when I get dressed.
And if I would just not lose sight of how much He has done for me and how much credit and glory and honor and praise I owe Him. If my selfishness, my arrogance, and my pride would not be given an opening to sneak back in and take a hold in my heart. If I could walk in true humility before my King, and before others, knowing that not to myself, but to Him is all true glory.
And, Oh! If the passion for worship would be so evident in my life that it becomes infectious in the lives of those around me! That I would truly worship God in every thing I do. In doing the dishes, and bathing my children, and cleaning my house, and going to the grocery. That I would take every opportunity to worship God, to include Him in every detail of every day. That my life would be wholly centered around Him, and that my love for Him would spill over and impact the lives of others!
Oh, that men would praise the Lord!
Oh, that men would praise the Lord for His goodness and loving-kindness and His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with good.
Oh, that men would praise the Lord for His goodness and loving-kindness and His wonderful works to the children of men! For He has broken the gates of bronze and cut the bars of iron apart.
He sends forth His word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction.
Oh, that men would praise the Lord for His goodness and loving-kindness and His wonderful works to the children of men!
And let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving and rehearse His deeds with shouts of joy and singing! (Psalm 107 - various verses)
Oh, that we would truly see God for all that He is! For His unfailing love that endures forever! For the redemption He has made available to us! That we would give back to Him only a fraction of all that He deserves - which is all that we are! That we would live with thankful and grateful hearts and not waste a minute of our time complaining, grumbling, being discontented and wanting what others have. That we would not disrespect Him by being ungrateful. That we would truly live lives filled with worship. What I would give to see that become reality!
I love time in prayer when I get a real glimpse of His majesty. It's overwhelming and so completely humbling. And I can't help but be filled with love - total love - and I'm left so totally in awe of Him. I love those times.
But the sad truth is, when I get up and get back to life-as-usual, what was so obvious to me not moments before, sometimes gets lost so easily. And something so silly can turn me around in circles and leave me with a murmuring, complaining attitude. Oh, if I would just walk through each moment of each day with Him before me, never losing sight of His beauty! Never forgetting how much I have to be thankful for! Not for a moment allowing myself to complain about my children, or my messy house, or my work load, or the piles of laundry; but instead turn each into an opportunity to praise Him for my beautiful family, my comfortable home, my opportunities to serve others, and plenty of clothes to choose from each morning when I get dressed.
And if I would just not lose sight of how much He has done for me and how much credit and glory and honor and praise I owe Him. If my selfishness, my arrogance, and my pride would not be given an opening to sneak back in and take a hold in my heart. If I could walk in true humility before my King, and before others, knowing that not to myself, but to Him is all true glory.
And, Oh! If the passion for worship would be so evident in my life that it becomes infectious in the lives of those around me! That I would truly worship God in every thing I do. In doing the dishes, and bathing my children, and cleaning my house, and going to the grocery. That I would take every opportunity to worship God, to include Him in every detail of every day. That my life would be wholly centered around Him, and that my love for Him would spill over and impact the lives of others!
Oh, that men would praise the Lord!
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These are just my thoughts on things related to my daily walk with God. I've always been a journal-keeper, and this is the area that demands most of the space in every journal I've ever kept. This is my passion, and I hope that by sharing my thoughts on the things I'm going through, I might be able to bless you in some way. Enjoy.