Like I've shared before, I invited Jesus into my life when I was somewhere between 3 & 5. My Mom was a great roll-model for me as far as how to walk consistently with God. As I was growing up, we went to church pretty regularly, but I never really felt like the best little Christian there was. There were always friends of mine who went to more church functions, or said better-sounding prayers, or knew more Bible stories and facts. I was never the fastest at looking up verses, and I never won the Bible quizzes we would do in Sunday School. So, somehow, for me, there always seemed to be a bit of a disconnect. God felt very much to me like a big giant mythical figure in the clouds who watched everything I did, so I better be good! So, while I respected God and had reverential fear of God, I did not really KNOW him. I knew He was watching over me. I knew He protected me and He provided for me, but I did not know He could be a friend.
Well, in college, I entered a phase of my life that I think is pretty natural for many of us who were raised in the church. I began to question my beliefs...did I believe in God because I really BELIEVED, or did I believe in God because my mom told me to? (Sorry Mom, I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.) So, for a while, I sort of put God aside. There were so many things that just, logically, didn't seem to make sense. But I could never seem to disprove Him, either. So I just kind of kept on doing my thing. I think even during this time I always believed there was a God. I just didn't really always apply Him to my own life.
At some point during college - some time after 1998 (the summer I spent in Spain), I started to come back to the realization that God was really real - that He wasn't going anywhere, no matter how far I tried to push Him away. And I realized, after some stuff I went through during that time (some really personal, really kind of dark stuff), that God DID in fact care about me, because He cared enough to seek me out, and send me help to pull me out of some really dark times - and He did all of that even AFTER I had tried to push Him away. He loved me that much. If someone had ever treated me the way I had treated Him, I think I would have been inclined to leave them in the mess they'd made for themselves - you know, they got what they deserved, etc etc. But I came to a quick realization that God doesn't work the way you and I do - and for this one reason, if for no other, I knew I needed Him more than I ever realized. So, I said I was sorry, I asked for forgiveness, and I moved forward.
My moving forward was not, by any stretch of the imagination, perfect...it never will be! I think at this point in my life, I was sort of rebuilding - starting over - like a baby learning to walk again. So I would stand, I would step, I would wobble and come crashing down. But, you know what they say about practice! And because God is the amazing being that He is, he was continually putting people in my life to give me strength, give me a boost, say the right thing, or offer help. Slowly slowly I began to develop into a person with a strong conviction that God IS who He says He is, that Jesus did what He said He did, and that the Bible is TRUE.
Still, though, at this point, I was believing as much as I knew how, but God was still not my FRIEND. He was still the giant guy in the sky that I turned to when I needed help, and said thanks to when something went my way. I was still directing my own path and trying to control much of my life that I should have been handing over...but that's part of learning and growing...all in time, I guess.
When we moved, and I started staying home after Meagan was born, I started watching Joyce Meyer on TV. I have always been very skeptical of TV preachers, but just listening to her, I knew she was for real, and what she was saying was the truth. And when our spirits hear the truth, they KNOW it's true, and they start to hunger for more of it. That's just the way we were designed.
So, I started TiVo'ing her show (Enjoying Everyday Life) and watching it in the middle of the night when I was up with Meagan. Then, it worked its way into my morning or afternoon time, and before I realized what was happening, I had learned soooooo much about the practical application of God's word in my life. (Her teaching style is very straight-forward, simple, and practical, so she's very easy for me to learn from). Through her, I was beginning to see that God was not only real, but he was attainable - approachable - personal - all the things I always wished God was but never thought He was.
Over the past year and a half, I have grown so much in my walk with God. A few months after I started watching her show regularly, I began to crave a personal relationship, but I wasn't sure how to go about getting one. Then she said once during one of her teachings, that I could have whatever kind of relationship I wanted with God - it just depended on how much I was willing to put into it.
See, what I've learned is that Christianity isn't at all as complicated and difficult as we tend to make it out to be. It's like this - I believe in God. I believe Jesus died for me. I believe He did that out of complete love like I could never begin to understand, and when He did that, He opened the door for me to have a relationship with God without all the rules and laws that existed before Jesus came. So, I agree to follow Jesus...to learn about him...to acknowledge him...to trust him...just, in general, to love him. If I do this much, the rest begins to fall in place.
The Bible says this:
- Jesus answered, If a person really loves Me, he will keep My word, obey My teaching; and My Father will love him, and We (meaning God & Jesus) will come to him and make our home with him (John 14:23)
This doesn't mean 'If you're going to follow me, you have to do everything right.' It means, 'if you love me enough to spend time with me and get to know me, I'll be with you every step of the way. I'll help you - I'll give you strength to do the right thing, and to follow where I lead you. And through all of it, We will love you and be with you.'
See, it's not so legalistic after all. It's really just a give and take. I give Jesus what I have to give - which is not much...my love, my worship, my gratitude, my time - and He gives me everything I need to fulfill the life He wants me to have. And trust me, I know without a doubt, that I want the life that died to give me - the life God wants for me. Nothing I could ever imagine can even begin to compare to what God can imagine - my ideas pale in comparison.
- The thief (meaning Satan) comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have in in abundance (to the full, until it overflows). (John 10:10)
That's just awesome to me! Jesus died so that I can truly enjoy my life, and have a life so full of joy and blessing that it can do nothing but overflow! I don't know about you, but I'm sold!
So, now that I've written a mini-novel... This is it. This is how I've gotten to this place today. I'm still not perfect, and there are TONS of areas where I know I could improve (like my temper, my patience, my words). But all I have is time. And I know (not only because the Bible tells me in John 14:23, but also because I can feel it happening in my daily life) that Jesus IS with me giving me strength and conviction and whatever else I may need to walk stronger with him each day. And I know that even while I'm a work in progress, He loves me just as I am, and He will not leave my side. And a love like that is why I choose to stay.
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