Urgent Expectation

Let me say before I write this, that I'm not sharing this to preach to you and scare you into anything. My motives for writing this is simply to share with you what's been on my heart and in my mind for the last few weeks. Remember, this is just my 'journal' of sorts, and I just want to get it down. That being said...

God has laid such a sense of urgency on my heart in the past few weeks. And I think I asked for it, unknowingly. You know the phrase, 'Be careful what you ask for, or you just might get it.' Yup, this holds true with God. I've been asking God to teach me certain things, and to show me certain things. And He has. In no uncertain terms, I now know the desperation and urgency that God feels for each of us. If I ever doubted God's love for any one of us, I no longer doubt it. I couldn't if I wanted to. And because of this, I have such a sense of urgency - one that, quite honestly, I was happy without. But now that I've felt it, I cannot shake it - it can't be ignored.

So I've started thinking - How have I come to be so passive? I remember being younger in church, hearing someone teach about the end of times. As a child, I felt certain that Jesus could return at any moment. And I wanted Him to find me being good, listening to my mom, being nice to others. I had an awareness of His pending return. I was looking forward to it. Somehow, in my adult years, that awareness has fallen by the way-side. For no better way to say it, I've become passive. I've lost that sense of urgency and expectation. How does that happen?

I guess it's the false sense of security that comes with the passing of time. The past 29 years of my life have not brought the return of Christ. And I've been taught that the best indicator of future events is the past. Well, this is one instance that CANNOT be held under that 'rule.' There is no precedent for the return of the King, only the promise.

In Biblical times, much of their teaching was on preparation for the return of Christ. They were certain that He was coming 'soon,' as they said over and over again throughout the New Testament. Today we find ourselves 2000 years later, still plugging along with life as usual. But what's 2000 years to a God Who surpasses time? The Bible says that 1000 years is like a day to Him. So, I guess we could say that about 2 days have passed since Jesus ascended to heaven. In that light, I guess it wasn't so long ago after all. So what's my 29 years? Hardly a breath.

The Bible is full of prophesies - prophesies made with surprising accuracy hundreds of years before they were fulfilled. It has proven itself time and time again to be reliable in predicting future events. The one prophesy left unfulfilled today is the return of Jesus, which was promised by Jesus Himself. It is just a matter of time. And as I've sought Him, God has rekindled my sense of expectancy - urgency. God is teaching me to expect Him to show up in my life every day. This may be in small ways, like a kind gesture from a stranger, or a sense of peace when I would otherwise feel stormy. But I also have the expectation that He can show up BIGGER if He chooses to. He can reveal Himself in so many ways. And ultimately, He will reveal Himself to us all, in His return to call us home. While I go on with life as usual, I must not lay aside my expectation for His coming, and I must not lose my sense of urgency.

What an awesome day that will be.

Father Abraham

This same story keeps coming into my thoughts over and over again today. So as I was eating lunch, I sat down and looked it up in the book of Genesis. Abraham. Even before I began my own study of the Bible, I knew about Abraham from a song we sang in church when I was little..."Father Abraham had many sons; Many sons had Father Abraham. I am one of them, and so are you. So let's all praise the Lord." (Now you'll be singing that song all day like I am!) Here's what I know from that song. Abraham was a man of God, and God blessed him greatly with a long line of descendants. But why?

Genesis 12:1-2 - Now [in Haran] the Lord said to Abram, go for yourself away from your country, from your relatives and your father's house, to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you [with abundant increase of favors] and make your name famous and distinguished, and you will be a blessing [dispensing good to others].

Leave everything you know and go to the land that I will show you. Abraham didn't even know where he was going when he went. He loved God that much that he was obedient, completely relying on God for guidance and direction for each next step in his life. '[Urged on] by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; and he went, although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go' (Hebrews 11:8). He didn't even worry about where he was going, the Bible says. Abraham had completely abandoned himself to God. And as a result, God rewarded him beyond measure.

While I know that Abraham was a special man in God's eyes, I also believe that Abraham is an illustration of a Biblical truth: ' ... that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him' (Hebrews 11:6). I believe that God wants to bless each one of us in ways we cannot imagine, just as He blessed Abraham. He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. So, again, I see the relevance of my choices. My own relationship with God, and the level of blessing and favor in my life, depends on my willingness to choose Him over all else.

Being urged by faith, I will follow Him to wherever He leads, not having all (or any) of the answers before I go, and I will not trouble my mind about it. I know that God loves me. I know that He wants only good for me. I know that He is God, and He is above all things. So, I know that I can trust Him and follow where He leads. To Him I abandon my life.

Nothing I ever dreamed

I was reading back through the last few posts I've made, and I got stopped on the one about giving up my own dreams, ideas, interests, etc in exchange for what God wants for my life. I realize it sounds strange. Maybe it's one of those things that's nice to talk about, but it's not really realistic to live that way. Even as I'm reading my own words, I stopped to think whether I'm really living that way or not. Here's what I came up with.

I think back through my childhood, my school years, into college, and even my career. I cannot think of a time, prior to 2004, that I was not completely self-motivated and driven. For as long as I can remember, I've gone above and beyond to succeed at school. I applied myself and did quite well. I've had lots of opportunities because of it. I've been honored and nominated for this that and something else all through grade school and college. And because of it, I was given a wide open door into one of the most sought-after internships in my field, which lead to a permanent position upon graduation. The sky was the limit. The field I was in was the kind that offers as much advancement, opportunity, and proving ground as you're willing to take on. By the time I started my first year at work, I was in full force to proving myself (to myself and to others) that all of my hard work and study was about to pay off. That I could earn my way up the ladder, and I would have success the way the world sees it.

And I would have continued on that path, were in not for the still small voice in the pit of my soul crying out for something else. I was successful, I was getting great work reviews, great raises, great recognition, and great relationships with clients. I could see no reason to want change. But I did. I was completely dissatisfied. More than that, I was UNHAPPY. From the time I was very young, I had dreamed big dreams for myself. I was in the process of getting everything I had ever imagined. And I was UNHAPPY. I felt trapped and unfulfilled. I could make justifications for what I was doing, but I could never convince myself that I was serving my life's purpose.

I ignored the cry for change, and continued on. I told myself everyone in my profession feels like this, and it's just part of the job. But so many times I sat at my desk, having this same conversation in my head. And I couldn't get past the simple fact that I only have one life to live, and I was wasting it doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing, no matter how badly I wanted it to be 'my thing.' It was my dream for me, and it could have been good if I would have stayed around, but it would never have been great.

In 2004, as I grew closer in my walk with God, I began to sense Him calling me to make a significant change. He was asking me to let go of everything I had worked for, and everything I deemed to be success, to quit my job and stay home. That was a HUGE request. Never in all of my dreaming and planning and working had I envisioned doing 'nothing.' Just staying home. How could that be? For a while I really struggled with it. I was certain I would feel unfulfilled.

Well, two and a half years later, here I am. 'Just staying home.' I don't have a title. I don't have deadlines. I don't have promotions, or job performance reviews, or raises. I don't even have a paycheck! And I've never felt so fulfilled in all of my life. I know with certainty that I am right now where I am supposed to be. I also know that, while I do not know all that God has in store for me, He has a plan and a purpose for my life. And I know that I can only be truly and completely satisfied when I am living in the middle of that plan and purpose.

I am truly and completely satisfied...doing nothing I ever dreamed and imagined for myself.

Open Door

Strive to enter by the narrow door [force yourselves through it], for many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able. (Luke 13:24)

Well, when I read this verse, my mind immediately thought something like this: Q: Well that's a strange way to put it. Why would someone not be able to fit through a door? A: Because they're too big. Q: Well, what makes you too big for a spiritual door? A: Sin. Selfishness. Pride.

I thought about this one little verse for at least 20 minutes, I'd say. How could I be so spiritually fat that I couldn't fit through a door that I was meant to be able to fit through. How could it be so hard for so many to enter - even those who will try. That seems to me to imply that these people have given some effort to fitting through this door. They've probably tried to live a decent life, be kind to others, give to charities, help old ladies cross the street, etc. So what are they missing? Are their motives right? Are their hearts pure? Jesus promises us that we can come to the Father through Him. This is how we fit through that door.

What holds so many back is spiritual baggage - SIN and SELF. Apparently we have to pack lite for heaven! If we have unconfessed sin, we carry it with us. And if we have not laid down our lives for Christ, then we carry our SELF with us as well. We have to lay that stuff down, leave it behind, or we'll never fit through the door God wants us to go through, no matter how hard we try.

'Force yourselves through it.' Those were His words. I should expect it to be difficult, maybe a struggle. It also sounds like I will have to do it with intention. I think this goes back to the idea of abandonment. I will have to choose to lay down my own stuff in exchange for only Jesus. Matthew 5:8 tells us that blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God! What does it mean, 'pure in heart?' To have a heart only for Jesus - uncontaminated by the desire for anything else. Only for Him. Then I will see God. Then I will fit through the door.

Next question - Does this necessarily only apply to that moment when I die and am faced with heaven or hell? I don't see why it would have to. I'm sure that's the main intention of the verse, but I also think that God's word is universally true, and applies to all aspects of life, both now and then. Truth does not become truth only after we've died, right? It's either true now and forever, or it's not true. So, what if there's an opportunity that comes up, and God needs someone to work on His behalf - to do something important for His kingdom? Don't we often refer to opportunities as 'Open doors'? Will I be available if He asks something of me? Will I be able to fit through that door of opportunity? Or will I have too much spiritual baggage - to much unconfessed sin, to much selfishness and self-serving motivations?

My joy in life is the One Who offers the promise of that door - whether it's the door to opportunity and growth, or the doorway into heaven. Either way, it is the door that leads to God. When I imagine standing at that door, being so close, but being unable to go through... how absolutely heartbreaking. And only because of choices I've made in my life...choices to push aside sin instead of confess it, or serve myself instead of God. When this is my perspective, when I see myself standing at the doorway, so close to stepping into where God wants me to be, I begin to see those choices for what they really are. And I see that any amount of difficulty, struggling and suffering I may do temporarily in this life is completely worth it to be able to pass through that door.

Abandon

A recurring theme keeps coming up in my study time - Abandonment. Until recently, I had never really stopped to think of how vital this concept is to having a relationship with God. Now, it seems to pop up everywhere I turn. About three weeks ago, in our class at church, our teacher opened the class discussion with something he said had been on his heart to share - abandonment. The class discussion that day was about giving from the heart, and at first I didn't see the relationship. But I began to quickly see that almost any topic within the realm of Christianity can be tied back to this one single concept. It is the key to living life for God.

Mark 8:34 (NIV) - Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

In the Amplified Bible, the explanation given for 'deny himself' is this: forget, ignore, disown, lose sight of himself and his own interests.

And what does He mean when He says we are to take up our cross? I believe my cross is to lay down my life, abandoning it for God. Not physically laying down my life, but putting aside my own ideas and desires, leaving them behind in exchange for what God wants for me. Why? Why would I do this? Aren't we taught from very early childhood to follow our dreams - be whatever we want to be? Why then would I want to abandon my dreams and ideas for the direction of my life in exchange for the unknown?

For myself, I have several answers to that question.

1 - Because I know that God is good, and that He is infinite wisdom. I know that He has dreamed bigger dreams for me than I could ever dream for myself. And I know that if I limit myself to only what I can come up with, I will surely miss out on something great. I do not want to be guilty of settling for good when I could have great.

2 - If I am to claim that God is God of my life, but I do not give Him my life, then He is not my God. If I am unwilling to let go of my life and trust it to Him, then I do not trust Him.

3 - It is the only thing I have to offer Him. What else do I have to bring to Him that He cannot take from me? He can take my money, my family, my health, my belongings, my job (if I had one LOL). There is nothing I can offer Him but me. My heart, my life to live for Him. Because He gives me free will, this is the one thing He will not take unless it is offered, yet it is what He wants from me the most. And He is worthy of everything I have to offer.

• Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name. Bring an offering and come before Him; worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness and in holy array. (1 Chronicles 16:29, italics added)

A choice that leads to somewhere

Every moment of my life presents to me the opportunity to make a choice. Every moment. I am surprised, really, when I think about how many decisions I make in a day. When the alarm clock goes off, I choose whether to heed its call and get out of bed, or to turn it off and sleep on. When I'm thirsty, I choose whether to drink water or soda. When my kids act out of line, I choose whether to get angry or stay calm - and even whether to let it slide or enforce discipline. I choose what radio station to listen to, what TV shows to watch. The list goes on and on.

There are certain choices that each of us has to make in our lives, though, that are not so clear cut. We choose whether to approach life with a good attitude or a bad one. We choose whether to operate in self-pity or to forgive. We choose to act on our own behalf or for the good of others. We choose to think on positive things or negative. We choose whether to do what we do with intentions of pleasing and honoring God or with more selfish motivations. We choose whether we will be happy or unhappy.

Yes, these things - our attitudes, our thoughts, and our very happiness - are choices. Entirely up to us. I must choose to forgive. I must choose to put others first. I must choose my attitude. I must choose to be happy. These are not feelings. They are choices.

This afternoon God gave me a very simple revelation. My life circumstances RIGHT NOW are the result of life choices - both significant and trivial - that I've made leading up to this moment. My choice to buy Wendy's for dinner 2 days ago leaves me with $15 less in my bank account right now. My choice to overlook something that Lucas does that aggravates me - my choice to forgive instead of to hold it against him - brings me to this moment right now that I can say I love my husband with my whole heart and hold nothing against him. My choice to live for Jesus brings me to this place in my life full of contentment and blessings, and I cannot even imagine where I would be had I chosen differently.

My decisions regarding my actions and heart attitude determine the depth of my relationship with God, and the degree to which I will experience the fullness of all that He has for me. Deuteronomy 28 states this very clearly.

• verse 1-2: If you will listen diligently to the voice of the Lord your God, being watchful to do all His commandments which I command you this day, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you if you heed the voice of the Lord your God.
• verse 15: But if you will not obey the voice of the Lord your God, being watchful to do all His commandments and His statutes which I command you this day, then all these curses shall com upon you and overtake you.

We must face the consequences of the decisions we make - whether they are good or bad. But we can also learn from our decisions and choose to make a change if needed, or choose to continue with steady determination if we are doing what we know we should. Not every decision is easy. In fact, I've found in my own life that most of the ones that really matter are completely the opposite. And often, I find that when I've decided to make a change, that change is not quick to come. It involves a lot of determination, a lot of mistakes, and a lot of humility to admit my mistakes along the way. But change does come. And it is worth working at.

After giving this some thought, I've decided (see, yet another decision *LOL*) that my choices I make today MUST be in line with where I want my life to be in the future. If I want financial stability, or marital success, or sound relationships with my children, then the actions I choose must point in that direction. Likewise, if I want peace, happiness, joy, and blessings, I need to choose accordingly, recognizing that every moment truly is a choice that leads to somewhere.

The Answer

Mind if I share two things in one day? This has been on my heart, and I wanted to share it.

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with a friend. She had brought up a man we both know - she knows him much better than I do, and she is not such a big fan of him (to put it nicely). I listened, but knew not to say anything negative because God has been correcting me on my words A LOT lately. And in this situation, I knew that I was NOT to join in the ranting. And more than that - if I could, I needed to diffuse the conversation. So when she finished, I mentioned that it sounded like he was just genuinely unhappy. She questioned me - 'What would he have to be unhappy about? He has a nice family, a good-paying steady job, a nice house, a new truck. If I had all of that, I wouldn't be unhappy, and I sure wouldn't treat people like he does.' Maybe I missed an opportunity to share with her, but I just didn't feel it was the right time for it, so I just simply said, 'I'm not sure. But happy people don't behave that way.' And left it at that.

Well, that man, and many others I know, have been swimming through my mind since then. A friend once asked me about God. She said she thought she would be happier if she knew Him, and maybe it would fix other parts of her life as well. Well, she's right, she probably would be happier. God does that to people.

When I think about my friend, this man, and others I know who are struggling with life, trying to do it on their own, my heart breaks for them. It's so difficult for me to watch the people I love as they struggle for answers, and try the next new thing the world has to offer, all in pursuit of happiness, stability, and peace. But what they need is not of this world, and all of their struggles get them nowhere. I wish I could make them see it, but it is not my place, it's God's. Sometimes I wish I could just flip a switch that would turn on their belief, and their willingness to commit their lives to Jesus. I wish they could only glimpse what they're missing out on - all that God would love to give them if they would only ask. And I think how their lives would change with just one simple prayer. It's that easy - just to say I believe you; just to say I'm sorry; to say I need you and I give you my life. I know their lives would be dramatically changed for the good. I want that for them so badly. I don't know how else to explain it, except to say that my heart breaks for them.

So I pray for them. And I pray for me - that God would give me the grace to live out my life in front of them, to love them like Jesus, and to be steady. And I wait on God, trusting that in His perfect time, He will make Himself known to them. I hope and I pray that in that moment, they choose Him, because I know He is the answer they're all looking for.

Always There

Matthew 28:20 - ...and behold I am with you all days (perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion), to the very close and consummation of the age. Amen (so let it be).

Think of that. Perpetually - uniformly - constantly - unvaryingly - in every moment - on every occasion. I'm sure I could think of several more words that mean the same thing - He is ALWAYS with me.

That's such a comfort to me. I'm sure it would be even more so if I could get my head and my heart around the absolute truth of it. It doesn't always FEEL like He is with me in every moment. I can't always sense His presence. But He is still there. Most often I find, in times like these, I've lost site of Him and have started focusing more on myself - I've lost that perspective that keeps Him as the most important.

This is a process I am walking through right now, but I find daily that if I set my heart to purposely do ALL things unto God, for the sole purpose of pleasing and honoring Him, I can keep proper perspective, and I don't lose site of His presence.

Believe Layout

Another layout for my 'visual journal' I guess you could call it. About a week ago I wrote about the difference in casual and committed belief. For me, this page is a reminder of how I am supposed to believe - completely, out of need and reliance - and why - so that Jesus would not withhold Himself from me, but that He would trust Himself to me in intimate friendship.

Flawed moments

Sometimes there's a hesitation to share with you all on the Internet, for fear that you'll see all my flaws. But flaws are a real part of life. They're what makes me human - makes me not God.

Today was a flawed day. Today started out great. I kept plugging along through the afternoon, started getting tired, started feeling like I had done one too many things, and still kept going. By the time we sat down to watch our family movie night (Night at the Museum), I was SO ready to just sit & relax. Meagan, however, had other plans, and she absolutely drove me NUTS! I had to make her go away from me because I was feeling so frustrated with her, I just couldn't think clearly. How can something so cute be so maddening? How can I - 27 years older than her - be run over by a 2-year-old? How can I let a teeny tiny girl direct my mood and my actions? But, believe me, it's possible. Tonight is clear evidence of that.

So, I did my best (which wasn't that great) to get them all bathed, dressed, and tucked into bed. Then I tried to take a few minutes for myself just to regroup and take a breath. I realized what I had done, and how far from ideal my actions and attitude had been. At first, I was angry with myself for it. And because I was angry, I had this vague feeling that God was angry too.

But the Bible says God knows my weaknesses and shortcomings, and He loves me just the same. It also says He is slow to anger. It also says if I will confess my sins to Him, He is faithful to forgive.

Here again is another example of my perspective clouding my ability to really 'get' God. So many times I just way over-complicate things, and I don't give Him nearly enough credit. I think I forget how UNLIKE me He really is (thankfully). I'm the one who is, at times, quick to anger. Not Him. I'm the one who sometimes struggles to forgive and forget. Not Him. And when I sit and just meditate on how different we really are, I am again in awe of how holy and incredibly awesome He is.

So, for His part, it is already done. He has forgiven me. He has forgotten it. And I am again clean in His sight. For my part, it does me no good to stay angry at myself for my behavior. I need to just model myself after Him and forgive me and move on. I can, however (and should), continue to learn from each of my 'flawed moments,' shall we call them, so that I can continue to grow and mature in Him. And, truth be told, while I am not where I need to be, I know that I am no longer where I used to be. Even on days like today I can look back over the past 2 years alone, and see dramatic evidence of the changes He has already made in me. While I may always be flawed, until the day He returns for me, with His help, I will continue to make progress, in hopes that I may one day be like Jesus. God, transform me.

Give Him Credit

Well, I find myself sitting here, with only 29 minutes left in the day, looking back at how my time today was spent. It's been a not-so-typical day. I operated our very own Grand Central Station, with other people's kids (and plenty of phone calls) in and out all day. Because of this, I got up at 6:30, but not to spend quiet time - to shower & get dressed before people started showing up at 7:00. At one point this afternoon, it was just me and 8 kids! Then we had homework and T-ball and dinner and craziness this evening. So in no way did I get to take my usual afternoon quiet time to spend with God. The closest I came was summarizing a book I read for a paper I have to write for the class I'm taking at church. But there was very little talking, and probably not much listening involved.

Aaah, but not to fear! The last time I went through a day thinking I could make it through since I just didn't have the time, I was SPENT by 6:00! I realized the cause of my impatience and desperation by the end of the day. Lesson learned - don't let that happen again.

So as I was in the shower this morning, knowing this was probably IT for me for the day, I offered up 5 minutes of prayer, and making breakfast, another little bit of conversation and praise. And at various times through the day today, I just made it a point to acknowledge Him and lean on Him for my strength for the day. What a difference! 6:00 rolled around today, and we all were eagerly heading off for T-ball. Today I had the grace to hang in there! Frustration-free! God is awesome, and I just wanted to give Him credit for being the difference in my day.

His Choice

I had a moment of realization the other day in the car. A moment where the reality of what I had always taken for granted actually registered in my brain, and I understood more clearly the depth of something I had always just kind of skimmed over.

What Jesus did for us - His life He modeled as a man, His sacrifice, His death and resurrection - was all done in FREE WILL.

Something that was on the radio in the van caused me to pause for a moment and really grasp that very simple - and should-be-obvious thing. He did it out of free will. It wasn't easy for Him. He struggled with the human element. He suffered in agony, even before the acts of torture and crucifixion began. And He suffered more still on the cross. He was laughed at, taunted, mocked, hated. At any time, He could have changed the course of His actions - saved Himself from the pain, proved Himself in front of those who mocked Him. And STILL, He chose to see it through. He was free to choose to follow His Father's will or His own.

For me, just that one moment of pausing and reflecting on the reality of His own free will, gave me a much deeper respect and appreciation for what He did. It is no small thing, but I think sometimes we (at least I) get so used to hearing 'Jesus died for our sins' that I don't see it for all that it really was (and is). I am thankful that I was given this moment to realize the depth of what He did.

• And He withdrew from them about a stone's throw and knelt down and prayed, saying Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but always Yours be done. And there appeared to Him an angel from heaven, strengthening Him in spirit. And being in agony of mind, He prayed all the more earnestly and intently, and His sweat became like great clots of blood dropping down upon the ground. (Luke 22:41-44)