Feeling Withered

To say I've been struggling lately would be a mild understatement. It might be more accurate to say I have been repeatedly run over by a very large truck. I feel like every time I stand up, I get plowed over again. It could be described as walking through mud - progress is slow and exhausting, and any break for rest results in sinking and further 'stuckness.' Not a pretty picture.

I have been, for some time now, acutely aware of the fact that I cannot continue like this much longer; that I have reached the end of my proverbial rope, physically and mentally at times. Finally yesterday, I was crumpled to my knees with yet another blow - one more attack by the truck as I was struggling to my feet. What's to be done? I threw my hands up and hit my knees, desperate to get this figured out. Crying out to God to shed some light on what's going on. This is not the depiction of a person living as Christians are intended to live. There's no overriding peace and joy and patience and rest. There is exhaustion, frustration and confusion. God is not a God of confusion. He is the author of peace.

Why it took me so long to break I can't say. Why am I so bullheaded sometimes, insisting that I am strong enough and capable enough to take care of things, to not have to 'bother' God with my problems? Why would I, even for an instant, hesitate to go running straight to His arms and sit at His feet and seek Him for advice and wisdom and guidance? I know better. I was just acting dumb. Finally, finally, yesterday He got through to me. He got what He had been wanting for quite some time. I surrendered. I was brought to my knees, bawling and dumping everything out onto Him - everything that I had been unknowingly holding onto and internalizing. Once I got started, even I was surprised at some of the junk that came out. But out it came... thank God!

And in the midst of it all, I asked the one question that seemed quite obvious to me - 'What am I missing?' Am I not in the right place? Am I out of your will for me? Am I trying to force this to work for my own reasons? I examined every possible pretence I might have had in starting and continuing my current circumstances. And, just like so many times before, I felt reassured that I'm not out of place, just out of alignment.

The first thing I got was that my attention and focus have been misplaced a bit, and that my motives need to be shifted back His way. That was clear. That I get. But still, there was a fog over me, like I was still not seeing something so obvious. God, What am I missing? I just don't see it.

As I was getting out of the shower last night, (of all times - how random is that?) it hit me like a ton of bricks. And many things that have been said to me over the course of several weeks came flooding in like a big collage of thoughts. Collectively, it all points to John 15. Over and over again. John 15.

I AM the True Vine, and My Father is the Vine dresser. Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. Live in Me, and I will live in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me. I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing. If a person does not dwell in Me, he is thrown out like a broken-off branch, and withers... (John 15: 1, 4-6)

For weeks, He has been trying to get my attention, to make me see that I have disconnected, and I have been slowly withering. I have been 'too busy,' and have tried to get by on the bare minimum. But He showed me last night, very clearly, that it is not a matter of eliminating tasks. It is a matter of re-prioritizing them. He is teaching me to be 'busy' and still keep Him first. This is something I must learn, not only learn but become solidified in, before I can move on to whatever comes next.

Lord, I hear what You are telling me - to keep my heart, my focus, my attention on You; to give You my time. To stay close to You, and not crowd You out with all that keeps me busy. To remain and abide in You. Let the reverential fear of You go before me, that I would submit my will to Yours; that I could not even consider disobeying You; that I would not sin. Let me make no other god, let me establish nothing else in higher priority than You, Lord. Let nothing else capture any part of the glory, honor, praise and worship that is rightfully Yours - that only You deserve. You alone, God, are worthy of everything I have. Let me live my life unto You, doing and giving and serving and loving unto You. Let me keep You at the center, high above all things, where You belong. You alone are God.