I want His heart.

The greatest passion in me is to know the heart of God - to feel what He feels, to treasure what He treasures. I want to know His love, His joy, His goodness. Who wouldn't? But how many of us ask Him for His heartache? His agony? His hurt? His longing? His jealousy? How many of us ask Him to let us hurt for others, feel even a glimpse of what He feels for the lost? We pray, God give me Your heart, but do we mean it? Do we even realize what we are asking for? And are we willing to really open ourselves up to feel it?
Isn't it much easier to remain ignorant of the pain God feels in His heart? The longing He must feel for those who are eternally lost? Are we really willing to endure even a portion of the anguish He holds in His heart for those who are away from Him? Are we willing to allow that hurt to move us to a state of brokenness? Move us to cry out in prayer and intercession for those in need? For the lost? For the hurting? Are we willing to let this feeling in, let it transform the way we view others? Are willing to stand before Him, stand in the gap for those who need prayer? Or are we content to remain insulated and numb to the desperation, the longing, and the jealousy in the heart of the Father?

I know this: the more time I have spent with God, the more time I have spent in prayer, and in His Word, the closer I have gotten to Him, the more I know Him, the more He shares Himself with me. I know His heart for me, and for others, more now than I did six months or a year ago. I know that time with Him has brought me to a deeper revelation of who He is and what drives Him. I know there is so much that I still don't know, but that I must act on what I do know. I must do something with the things He has already given me while I wait on Him to unfold the next piece of the picture. I cannot help but take on the heart of God as I spend time with Him, as I fall more in love with Him. I cannot help but be grieved by the condition of the church, the condition of the nation, the countless number of men and women who do not yet know Him. I know this: I love His heart. I love His passion. And everything in me wants to be like Him. If that means I must submit myself to the awareness, the acuteness of the pain that He endures, then so be it. When I cry out that I want ALL OF HIM, I am asking Him for EVERYTHING. I don't want to leave any part on the table. If I am only willing to share in a portion of Him, leaving the difficult parts behind, then I will never truly know Him. And the one thing I long for is to know Him. So I must be open to every part of Him. I want His heart.

The Heartbreak of God

Genesis 6:6-7 - And the Lord regretted that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved at heart. So the Lord said, I will destroy, blot out, and wipe away mankind, whom I have created from the face of the ground--not only man, [but] the beasts and the creeping things and the birds of the air--for it grieves Me and makes Me regretful that I have made them.

My heart twinges as I read this Scripture. It hurts to imagine the way regret must feel in the heart of God - regret at such an infinitely deep level. Regret for something so large as the creation of man - man, whom God created as a companion and lover of Him. I think this must have hurt Him infinitely worse than the worst of losses we could ever have endured as humans. How His heart must have hurt!

Genesis 6:11-12 - The earth was depraved and putrid in God's sight, and the land was filled with violence (desecration, infringement, outrage, assault, and lust for power). And God looked upon the world and saw how degenerate, debased, and vicious it was, for all humanity had corrupted their way upon the earth and lost their true direction.

How is this any different than the state we are in today? Our hearts are turned against God, and our lands are full of violence, desecration, outrage, assault and lust for power, and we, collectively, have certainly lost the true direction that once guided us. What, then, must we assume God feels in His heart when He looks at the condition of man? I've often wondered about this. I doubt my heart has the capacity to endure the paint and hurt He feels because of us.

And it breaks my heart to think that this generation - my generation - is the cause of so much pain in the heart of my Loving God. It is the cry of my heart that I would daily walk in a way that is pleasing to Him, and that the church would begin to turn around, turn our hearts back to Him, and live out lives that please Him and bring Him joy. We should never, for a moment, be the source of pain to a God Who has done so much for us! I pray that we will be continually transformed by Him, becoming more and more like Him, that we would also become a constant source of joy for Him in a world filled with so much hurt.

Free to be Me

This is a layout did to record and journal a very personal, very vulnerable, and very intimate encounter with God. Amazing, and altogether uncomfortable all at the same time. Yet I would give all that I am to be in that place with Him forever. He is beyond words to me. I tried to capture just a fraction of my thoughts on this moment and the impact He has had on my life. I'm not sure I really succeeded, but I enjoyed the process. I debated whether or not to share. I decided to, because I know I'm not the only person to have a hidden, shut-up part of me that is kept off limits, even to God Himself, even to myself if I'm being honest. I thought maybe it might help even one person to come to a realization of the wholeness He brings, and the exhilarating reward of total vulnerability.

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