Choose

Parenting.

Isn't it fun?!

Most of the time I enjoy parenting. I love the playing around times, the laughing times, the proud moments, the snuggles and bedtime hugs and kisses. There is so much to love about being a mom.

What I do not LOVE so much - at least what I have difficulty enjoying - are all the hard times. The times when the kids are disrespectful, disobedient, difficult (ever notice that lots of 'trouble' words start with 'D'?... just an observation).

Several times in the past few weeks, after tucking the kids in for bed and going on about my business (aka... enjoying the peace and quiet of the house and sitting down to take a breath), I have caught Sebastian out of bed. Sometimes he's in Meagan's room. Sometimes in Isaac's. Sometimes just playing around in the bathroom or the hallway. But never where he should be, which is in his bed.

The first time he told me, "I was telling Meagan goodnight. I forgot to." Sweet... how do you argue with that?

Second time: "I just had to tell Isaac something." A little weak... go to bed.

Third time: He didn't say anything, just ran as fast as he could back to his bed, hoping I didn't notice. Um, nice try kid. I noticed.

You get the picture. So tonight as I was tucking him in, the last thing I said to him before I turned out the lights was... you guessed it... 'STAY IN BED.' He said okay. He promised.

Five minutes later I came up to get my phone that I had left laying in the hallway, and I saw a dark figure scurry from the dark bathroom into the dark bedroom across the hall. So, I flipped on his bedroom light and asked him to explain himself. Why was he out of bed? He lay there looking back at me with nothing to say. I turned off his CD player, which is a bed time privilege that he lost for the night, turned off the light, told him to STAY, and left the room.

It had been my intention to leave it at that. He would get the point, know he had done wrong, etc. But apparently God had other plans...

A few minutes later, as I walked back up the stairs to get ready for bed, I made a sudden and clear decision to make a detour into Sebastian's room. I sat down on his bed and spoke very plainly to him. I told him that some day he would want freedom to do certain things - go with his friends to a movie or a game, etc - and the only way that Lucas and I will be able to allow him to do those things is if we feel that we can trust him - if we believe he will make good choices, do what is right because it is right, do what he says he will do, be where he says he will be, and so on. I asked him if he thought his behavior tonight showed me that I could trust him or not trust him. His answer was absolutely the right one. He knew.

I asked him if he KNEW that he was wrong by being out of bed. YES. Yet he chose to do it anyway? YES. Why? (No response.) Then very clearly, a verse in Deuteronomy (30:19) came to mind: I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore, choose life that you and your descendants may live.

I explained to him that good decisions lead to good things in your life. When we choose to do things the way God has designed for us to do them, then we reap the rewards of those choices. We have life, peace, joy, and every good thing that God gives us. Those are the rewards for doing what is right. When we choose to behave in contrast to God's ways, we are choosing to heap up negative rewards in our lives: fear, anger, uncertainty, anxiety, and even death. Not good stuff.

In kid terms, we have a choice in everything we do. We can choose to do what we FEEL like doing, or we can choose to do what is RIGHT - because it it right. Not because it's fun, or it's easy, or it's what everyone else is doing. Because it is the right thing to do. It is our choice. And what we choose determines the direction our life will go.

I was sure to tell him that I was not angry, and that I had already forgiven him. I was simply sad and disappointed that he had made a poor choice. I told him, I have forgiven you. It's over this time. The next chance you get, you can choose to make the right choice. Then I left the room to let him sleep.

As I sat and thought of it afterward, I couldn't help but be in awe of God and His infinite wisdom. What I was going to leave 'as-is,' He was intent on using to teach my child and to use the teaching moment to mold and shape him into the man he is becoming. I love that about God. I love that even when I am clueless, He is an amazing parent.

I'm just glad I listened. I guess tonight, that was my choice.

Head vs. Heart

Matthew 11:25 (Amplified Bible) - At that time Jesus began to say, I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth [and I acknowledge openly and joyfully to Your honor], that You have hidden these things from the wise and clever and learned, and revealed them to babies [to the childish, untaught, and unskilled].


As I sat and read this verse this morning, I had a moment of realization. I don't know if I will be able to adequately put it into words to convey my thoughts, but I'll try.

My first response to this verse... "What a strange prayer."

Very spiritual, aren't I?

What strikes me here is that Jesus is praying. Which means He is talking directly to the Father. And He says He is joyfully acknowledging and honoring God. He is JOYFUL.

Next thing that strikes me... About what? What is here to make Jesus so joyful? Because to me it just seems like another verse in the Bible that tells us how God uses ordinary people who don't think they know everything to do His will and impact the lives of others. To me, this was just another verse in the Bible. But I realized that to Jesus, this was cause for worship.

Clearly there's a disconnect between my head (what I am reading and understanding) and my heart (my response to the information). Because I did not feel even a bit worshipful when I read, 'You have hidden these things from the wise and clever and learned, and revealed them to babies.' But if Jesus feels worshipful, then maybe I'm missing something.

True, this moment was a teaching opportunity for Jesus. It was a chance to openly make a statement that revealed some aspect of the Father to those who were with Him and to those of us who would later read this. Yes, that's true. But there were plenty of times when Jesus simply took the opportunity to teach and used it as a teaching moment. He just talked... to the people. In this moment, He was so moved and overjoyed and inspired that He was moved to speak directly to the Father about it. He would not have put on a prayer for show simply as a teaching technique. His prayer would never have been void of truth or intimate connection with the Father. This was more than just teaching. This was a prayer.

I realize for myself that I often read with my head - to gain knowledge and understanding - when the truest and deepest understanding and knowing comes when I read and listen with my heart, with an intimacy and connection with God by His Holy Spirit.

I'm about to share some strange truth about myself. Maybe I'm the only person who has ever felt like this or had these thoughts. But I doubt it. Here goes...

Many times in my life I have wondered at human 'feelings.' Because often I don't really FEEL anything. As a child, and throughout my adolescence, I heard and said 'I love you,' and I really believe that I LOVE those to whom I was speaking. But I didn't FEEL anything. I guess partly because love isn't simply a feeling. Often it's an action and a choice and a decision we make. It is more of an active response than a feeling response in many situations. Yet, while love is an action and not a passive feeling, I doubt that God loves completely void of feeling. I imagine that God's love is overwhelming and all-consuming. It defines Him. He IS love. I am not love. I am not often overwhelmed by it. Or consumed by it. In fact, quite the opposite.

Joy is another example of this. Yes, I know I am joyful. I'm not mopey. I'm not angry. But I don't think I have ever really tapped into the fullness of joy. Outside of a few circumstantial moments, it has rarely ever swept over me in such a wave as to fill me up and flood me. I acknowledge joy as an element of my life. Yes. But God's Word says that His joy is to be my strength. Rarely am I so consumed with joy that I feel strengthened by it.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that I ought to be driven by how I 'feel.' Not at all. Rather, I believe my heart to be in need of an awakening, and I am certain that I am not alone in this. I know that I do not live each day with my heart fully opened up. Many times I don't even follow Jesus with my heart as much as with my head. I KNOW what the right thing is to do, and so I do it. Not altogether bad. But I want to be MOVED by it. I want to enjoy it. I want to love it. I want to be flooded by it. I want to know the fullness of all that Jesus has died to make available to me.

Oddly enough (or not so much), after reading this verse in Matthew and thinking about my own life, my own heart condition, God led me instantly to Revelation 3, verse 1.

...I know your record and what you are doing; you are supposed to be alive, but [in reality] you are dead. Rouse yourselves and keep awake, and strengthen and invigorate what remains and is on the point of dying; for I have not found a thing that you have done [any work of yours] meeting the requirements of My God or perfect in His sight. So call to mind the lessons you received and heard; continually lay them to heart and obey them, and repent. In case you will not rouse yourselves and keep awake and watch, I will come upon you like a thief, and you will not know or suspect at what hour I will come. (Rev. 3:1-3, Amplified)


"Call to mind the lessons you received and heard; continually lay them to heart and obey..." This is a matter of getting information from your head to your heart. This is a matter of obeying and following God with your heart rather than with your head. Head knowledge is only useful to us if we can transfer it from our heads to our hearts. And according to this passage in Revelation, it seems to be our own responsibility to stir up or hearts and make this transfer from head to heart. We are responsible for living with ALL that we are, and not just the cerebral part. Following Christ is all about the heart. It is NOT about what we know or what works we can do. It is about the condition of our heart and the motivation behind the actions we take.

And so I realize that those words, seemingly directed to some obscure church in Revelation 3, are meant for us - for me. Today.

It is my most sincere prayer that God would help me through this process and teach me daily to live each moment fully opened up to Him, all that He is and all He has made available to me. Life is wasted to some capacity if it is not lived completely. And I don't want to waste my life, especially considering all that He can do with it if I will give it ALL to Him.