Lukewarm

For the past month, maybe two, I have had this nagging feeling in the depths of my heart, somewhere down deep where the nagging is barely noticeable, and can be easily ignored if paying attention to it is inconvenient, which it generally tends to be. This nagging is suggesting that I am off course; that I need to right the ship before I shipwreck completely. But I hear this little suggestion, and I think to myself, "No, not me. I love God. I've gone to church every Sunday for the past four years. I ready my Bible. I pray. I give. I want to give my life to God. You can't be talking about me." Right?

Unless you know me personally, you very likely do not know my current set of circumstances. Truthfully, not a lot of detail is necessary. Suffice it to say that we, as a family, have found ourselves in a situation that is less-than-ideal as far as finances go. It all has to do with buying / selling homes at a really unfortunate time as far as real estate goes. Blah blah, boring details. Here's what matters about all of this... going through this has really started to peel back the layers of scales that have grown over my eyes and blinded me. Not even three months ago, I would have told you, and would have whole-heartedly believed that I completely and totally trusted God and depended on Him and was willing to give Him whatever, sacrifice whatever. As I've walked through this, slowly the truth of the matter has come into focus. I have given a part of myself to God. The other part, I have rested securely in financial stability and a comfort in knowing what to expect out of life. There are just some things for which I do not consult God, do not depend on God, and have, thus far, fully expected Him to let me keep. In a nutshell, I've been resting in my comfortable life. Trusting in my bank account balance. My pleasure, my peace, my security, even my daily provisions - I've looked to something other than God for all of it.

And so the nagging that I've suppressed and ignored will not let me be. Truly, I do not wish to ignore it. Because I fear that ignoring it can only lead me away from God, and that is where I cannot afford to go. I MUST have Him! I MUST love Him! I must know Him! At all cost. At all measure of correction and discipline. I can't afford to live my life lukewarm, half depending on God, half depending on the world. I pray with all sincerity that He will grip my heart and refine me in this area. That I would be consumed by Him. That's my prayer. That He would be the only thing that truly measures of any value in my life. Everything is from Him. Everything is for Him. Nothing else will do. Nothing else matters. This must be the position of my heart, or I am at risk of being spit out.

Revelation 3:16 - So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.