Miracles and doubt don't mix.

It seems like I've faced a long string of challenges, all dealing with the same topic - God's ability and willingness to heal. Do I believe in miracles? Yes. When I hear stories of others being miraculously healed of crazy deadly diseases, there is not a hint of skepticism in me. I have no trouble believing the story, and believing that it was God who did the healing. When I read of the countless stories in the Bible where Jesus touched and healed people, I fully believe He did those things that are recorded. I believe He did them 2000 years ago, and I believe He can do the same, and more, today.

A few weeks ago, some friends of mine who do not usually go to church, were in church for a children's program that was going on. I was excited that they came - even the grandparents came. That night, there was a missionary couple visiting our church, and they were sharing some of the stories from their time in South America. They told amazing stories of healing and redemption. Their words, in my opinion, were very uplifting and encouraging. However, my friends obviously didn't feel the same, because about 20 minutes into their time of sharing, the entire family, from kids to grandparents, got up and walked out. From across the room, I watched them go, wishing they would want to stay, but knowing that God was in control. Later that evening, I went over to their house to take them some cookies that were left from the children's reception. I was totally caught off guard when one of the kids asked me point blank if I really believe the stuff the missionaries had shared - in particular, a story of a man being cured from HIV. I said that, yes, I did in fact believe them. I had no reason not to. I was met again with heavy doubt and skepticism, and even anger. 'Why can a man who deserves to have AIDS be cured when babies die of cancer?' 'How is that even possible? HIV is a blood disease - how can it just disappear?' My response was this: God created the body, and God can heal the body. No, I don't understand why some are healed and some are not. But I know that God is big enough and fully capable of everything those missionaries described. Maybe 2 years ago I would not have believed their stories, because then I didn't know God the way I know Him now. But I do know Him, and I truly believe that God is capable of everything they described and more.

That being said, I find myself in quite the contradiction. I tried to pray this morning for myself - simply that God would clear out a head cold that has been bugging me for a few weeks now. As I was praying - I mean, literally, even as the words were coming out of my mouth - my head and heart were flooded with doubts. It's just a head-cold, it doesn't require miraculous intervention. God's got more to worry about than my stuffy nose and sinuses. I'll propbably just end up having to call the doctor and get another perscription for a sinus infection. And on and on. WHY!!!! Why can I believe other people's miracle stories, but I can't believe God to be willing to heal me of something that would take no effort at all? Do I think I don't deserve to ask God for healing? Do I think He doesn't want to be bothered with my tiny little troubles? True, there are much more pressing matters in the world, but isn't He capable of dealing with all of it, including my headache? Or will this one little request put Him over the top and He'll drop all the balls He's juggling? What is my deal? Why can I not believe for the tiniest little things in my own life?

And it doesn't stop there. I totally believe that God wants to heal others, but I am hesitant to pray for their healing. If someone else were to do the praying, it would be all good - no faith issues on my part. I'll give you an example. There is a little boy I know who has been diagnosed with cancer. His parents have had people in their home praying with them on various occassions. I've visited twice, taken small things here and there to help out with groceries or whatever, but have never offered to pray with them. The first time I went, I went with the intentions of praying, but when the time came, I didn't feel like I should. The second time, I don't think I really even intended to pray with them. I think all of my prayers for miracles right now are prefaced with a cloud of doubt, and I don't know how to get past it. But what's the point of praying when it would be immediately undone by my own doubt? So I keep quiet.

Am I afraid to believe for healing and then be disappointed? Am I afraid to pray with someone for a miracle in their lives and have it not come to pass? Why? Would it be a reflection on me, or on God if no healing came? Am I trying to protect my reputation? Am I trying to protect what others think of Him? Surely I do not need to protect Him - I'm certain He is capable of looking out for and upholding His own reputation. Isn't this the same God I fully beleive healed a man of HIV? Yes, the very same. Will it really hurt to believe for something and not see it come to pass? It will never be if I do not believe for it. And if I believe for a lot, and get a little, I've still got more than I would ever have had if I stayed in doubt. I NEED to move past this. I cannot accept living life with clouds of doubt hanging over every prayer I pray. I cannot.

I was in the shower this morning, thinking over these things I've just written. And I kept doubting that a head cold was really worth praying about. Then God reminded me of something. He is the very same God who has numbered the hairs on my head, and who knows every step I take, every thought I think, and every dream I dream. He is the God who is the giver of every good and perfect thing. Nothing evil comes from Him. A cold is just as contrary to His design for my body as is cancer or HIV or any other critical disease. It is not His design for me to suffer. It is His intention and desire for me to be well, healed and whole.

I've heard it. I know it. I just have to believe it.

And blessed (happy, to be envied) is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her from the Lord. (Luke 1:45)

But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him. (Hebrews 11:6)

Looking Back

As I'm feeling a bit on the tired side tonight, I decided to do a little bit of not very much. One thing led to another, and I soon found myself reading old (OLD) blog posts...like from the first few months that I did this blog.

It was quite a trip down memory lane, and I find that this blog is serving the purpose I was hoping it would serve by giving me a place to look back and see what I had documented - what I was walking through and studying and learning and thinking about. Very cool to see some things that have come full-circle in the past 10 months. Very funny to recall things I had forgotten I had gone through. Awesome to see how God has worked - how He has brought me through some really tough spots and taught me how to get close to Him. It's cool to see where I was at the start of some of the journeys, and where I am now (probably somewhere in the middle).

I think what's the most incredible to me, though, is that it's evidence in my own life of the truth of God's word. His word promises to continually change and transform us more and more into His likeness. He promises that we will learn and grow from glory to glory. That we will advance line upon line...one step at a time, building on what we've already learned. When I really take time to examine some of the areas of my life that He has transformed, I'm floored. I know I still have a long way to go, but I never imagined such change was possible in so little time.

He promises that if we will seek Him, He will reveal Himself to us. If we believe in Him, cling to Him, rely on Him, trust in Him, He will make Himself known to us. If we seek Him first, everything else will fall into place. As I was looking back through my last 10 months of posts, I can remember some of those crazy difficult struggles - times of total confusion and darkness and doubt. And it's so cool to me to know where I am now in comparison to only 9 or 10 months ago. At times then I struggled with some pretty heavy doubts and questions. Because I chose to seek God and do what He asked of me, even though it made no sense to me whatsoever at the time, and I often did it out of sheer determination rather than a real desire, He not only cleared the doubts and answered the questions, but He replaced those doubts with an absolute assurance of all I had once doubted. Too sweet!

Lots of lessons I've learned in the past almost-year. Lots of struggles and trials and moments of failure. Lots of repentance and prayer and LOTS of depending on God to get me through things that were far bigger than me. There have been times that God has totally brought me to my knees so that He could then lift me up higher. But my favorite thing about the last several months is that He has taught me how to BE with Him. How to just sit in His presence and know Him and seek Him and worship and wait on Him. Back in March I determined that it was my purpose to know Him more. I have. And it continues to be my purpose. I hope that next year I will look back and see how much farther I have come. To know Him more will always be my purpose until He calls me away from this life, because I will never know Him fully until I can look full-on into His face.

God is awesome.

Idol or Tool

A statement was made in church today that keeps coming back to mind every now and again. When a wealthy man was asked how he was raised around such wealth and excess without becoming materialistic, his response was, "Our parents taught us that everything we have is either an idol or a tool."

How cool is that? Everything I have is either an idol or a tool. Makes me reconsider my heart attitude towards what I have. Makes me reconsider how I am using the things I have been given. Food for thought. Definitely an awesome thing to get a revelation of and to begin to teach my children.